Risk :  the possibility of loss or injury which can lead to Peril 

When we experience a flash of fright it can set off alarm bells inside us. This feeling of danger or peril feels real but often it actually harkens back to our pre-historic ancestors who had to be constantly on guard to avoid being killed by a saber-toothed tiger. In modern times, we might actually feel like we will indeed die if we do something that makes us feel exposed or vulnerable in any way. In fact, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with those we trust leads to connection, love and indeed, courage.

Recently, someone I know shared that they had their therapist’s contact information for a long time before reaching out. They reflected that something that had felt so scary turned out to actually be just what they needed. They felt freer and more content despite the current state of the world. This made me wonder what needs to happen for any one of us to make that call, send that email, take a risk. Below is a list of fears and what may stop one from taking a risk and the benefits of taking a leap of faith,

Fears:

1. Fear of being judged
2. Fear of not being heard or seen or understood
3. Fear of what might be uncovered during therapy
4. Feeling shame or a sense of “unworthiness”
5. Feeling other people’s problems are worse than ours
6. Feeling I should just get over it myself.

Risk Benefits:

1. joy
2. humor
3. relief
4. freedom
5. curiosity
6. no judgment
7. healing
8. shifting our point of view to one that is more kind and compassionate towards ourselves
9. connection to our mind and body
10. Being with and feeling one’s feelings
11. more space to dream
12. more space to decide how one wants to act vs. react
13. Being our own safe place.

While it is true that staying in your own psychic, mental and heart space will keep you safe in a way, the danger of no risk is that you will miss the rich, messy experience of life with fellow explorers in and around the terrain that is your heart.

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Photo: Juliane Liebermann

It’s 9 PM and you’re exhausted after a busy work and parenting day. Lately, it’s been getting harder to get the kids to sleep on time and you feel like your partner isn’t helping you the way you’d like. You’re feeling stressed, unsupported and angry.

It can be tough to shift our way of communicating because most of us rely on complaining or criticizing when we want something to change. This does not usually lead to a peaceful solution or one where everyone feels heard/understood. So how can we get what we need?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

One helpful resource is a communication process called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) also known as compassionate communication.  Marshall Rosenberg was the Founder and Director of The Center for Nonviolent Communication. Dr. Rosenberg found that to communicate effectively our purpose must shift. In other words, before change can happen, we must first make sure that everyone gets what they need.

Looking at needs and developing a literacy of what a need actually is is key. A need and the request you make to address that need feels very different from a preference you have which can sound to others like you’re making a demand.

Communicating with NVC

Let’s get back to the need you have for more support when trying to get the kids settled in at bedtime. Talking with your partner from a NVC perspective will require that you both to try not to fix, blame or problem-solve right away.

Set aside time (not at bedtime) for you both to express how you feel and ask your partner to listen with 
empathy. He or she can even mirror back what you say in order to make sure they have heard you correctly. Hearing our own words mirrored back can help us feel truly understood.

Perhaps there are reasons why your mate is not available to help you with the kids at bedtime? Setting aside your own reasons for why this is and listening to your spouse’s needs sets the stage for you to both to feel heard and understood.

Below are ten ways NVC skills can help you get your needs met:

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When someone is struggling, we might be at a loss for how to help. We want to reach out. But we’re worried we’ll do or say the wrong thing. So we don’t do anything. Or maybe we have a track record of saying or doing the wrong things. Either way, the result is the same — we keep to ourselves.

Psychotherapist Lena Aburdene Derhally, MS, LPC, worked in oncology for years. She noted that the best way we can support someone who’s grieving is simply by being there.

The same is true for most things someone is struggling with — whether your friend is having marital problems, your cousin had a miscarriage or an acquaintance opens up about being overwhelmed.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., stressed the importance of listening with empathy. Empathy is key for meaningful relationships. And it’s a skill we can learn. Kogan cited the four attributes of empathy, identified by nursing scholar Teresa Wiseman. Researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown incorporated Wiseman’s definition in her own work. Brown writes about empathy in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power.

Seeing the world as others see it. According to Brown, “we must be willing to recognize and acknowledge our own lens and attempt to see the situation that someone is experiencing through her lens.” Being non-judgmental. “Judging has become such a part of our thinking patterns that we are rarely even aware of why and how we do it,” Brown writes. However, judgment creates distance and disconnection, Kogan said. Non-judgment is a skill we can practice. It starts with ourselves. For instance, we can practice being non-judgmental by embracing ourselves when we make mistakes or don’t measure up to our expectations, Kogan said. We also can practice speaking to ourselves with compassion and realize that others are experiencing hard times like us, she said.

Understanding another’s feelings. In order to understand someone else’s feelings, we must be in touch with our own feelings, Brown writes. It’s important to have an understanding of emotions. But it’s also important to put aside our own “stuff,” or our own opinion when empathizing, Kogan said. Focus on what the person is feeling.
Communicating your understanding of their feelings. Brown shares this example in the book: Your friend tells you they feel like her marriage is falling apart. These kinds of responses don’t convey empathy: “Oh, no, you and Tim are a great couple — I’m sure everything will be fine,” or “At least you have a marriage. John and I haven’t had a real marriage for years.” This response does convey empathy: “I’m really sorry — that can be a very lonely place. Is there anything I can do?” Similarly, if your friend is going through a breakup, Derhally suggested listening and saying, “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.” According to Brown, in general, “at least” isn’t empathetic. Here’s another example: “I had a miscarriage.” “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
These are other helpful and not-so helpful strategies for support.

Be curious about the right thing.

Psychologist Dan Griffin, Ph.D, was working with a family whose father was accused of a terrible crime. During a session one of the adult kids mentioned an Irish saying that goes something like this: If the person is just interested in the story, they’re not your friend. If they’re interested in you, they are. In other words, to be truly supportive, focus on how the person is doing. Don’t ask for the dirt or sordid details.

Think of what’s helped — and not helped — you.

Griffin suggested picking three situations where you needed help and received the right kind of help. What were the common supportive factors? Maybe the person was fully present and didn’t judge you. Maybe they referred you to a helpful resource. Maybe they brought you food or flowers. Maybe they sat with you while you processed your pain.

Also, consider what wasn’t so helpful. Maybe they turned the conversation toward themselves and their issues. Maybe they focused on fiddling with their phone or watching TV.

Of course, everyone is different. But thinking about what’s helped you and what hasn’t may be a good place to start, he said.

Avoid silver linings.

“A major don’t is to try to create silver linings or attempt to fix something with words,” Derhally said. She recalled that during her time working in oncology, it was really difficult for people to hear statements like “everything happens for a reason.” It’s not necessary to come up with “words of wisdom,” she said.

Avoid giving advice.

Unless you’re asked for it, avoid giving advice, Kogan said. When you give advice, you’re communicating what the other person should do instead of giving them the space to discuss how they feel, she said. “For this reason, advice giving often shuts down the conversation because the person does not feel heard.”

Check in regularly.

Let the person know that you’re thinking about them, and you’re available if they want to talk, Derhally said.

Again, the best thing you can do for someone who’s struggling with anything is listen. Give them your full attention. Put down the gadgets. As Griffin said, leaving your phone in another room is a small gesture with a profound meaning.

It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to say the right thing, especially if you’ve messed up before. But, as Kogan said, it’s perfectly OK to say: “I just don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.”

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Mindfulness can help us in any moment: even in times of transition

Transitions happen all the time. Schools out. Summer’s here. Vacations, camp, back-to-school, moving, sleep schedules, birthdays, illness. All of these shifts can throw a person off kilter. Trying to get back to center where equanimity reigns can feel like an uphill battle.

So many of us instinctively push away our strong feelings because they seem scary and uncomfortable. Tara Brach talks about meeting life where it is.  She shares that interestingly, the best way to navigate change might be to simply notice what you are feeling.

I like to think of this as becoming more awake. Some people call it mindfulness or being in the present moment. Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose in the present moment and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.

Maybe our goal doesn’t have to be to get back to where we were when things were good or easy or known. Instead, we can start to notice what we feel and where in our body we experience our strongest emotions. Knowing we don’t actually have to “do” anything, fix it, or be “better” can come as a huge relief.

Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance outlines this practice beautifully.  Experimenting with connecting thoughts to sensation and feeling can help us live in this moment even if it is a moment of transition.

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Underneath Harper’s cool answer was a message. He knew what he felt and clearly no one was going to trip him up.

My goal for all kids is for them to know, intrinsically what they think and feel and to be able to express it clearly to others.

How do we make that happen? By being our children’s emotional coaches so they can develop their own ability to know themselves.

Below are a few ideas to get you started:

Don’t deny or ignore a child’s feelings: We’ve all done it at one time or another but saying, “You’re not sad” to a child who is crying or,”stop whining” when we don’t want to hear it makes a person feel unseen. It also does little to help a child learn to cope with their intense feelings. Instead, describe what you see.  If you say, “I see a little girl who looks sad” it won’t actually make your child feel worse. Rather, it will most certainly help her feel understood and heard. Give your child tools so she knows what to do when she is feeling upset.

Look for and comment on the emotion that is underlying the behavior:  The next time your child protests unduly about leaving the park say to him, “It can be so hard leaving when we are having so much fun.” Validating his experience can help him to get through a tough time.

Talk about the behavior, not the person and describe the problem: Children take what we say very seriously which is why when we are feeling displeased it is useful to separate out the behavior from the person. For example, saying, “I see a bedroom with clothes and toys all over the floor” expresses your displeasure and gives the child information at the same time. It is much more likely to elicit a helpful response than, “This room is a mess, you are so sloppy!”

Consider your first family:  How were feelings handled in the family you grew up in? Do certain feelings make you uncomfortable? Exploring these questions and developing your own awareness can help you as you help your child navigate his or her emotions.

All feelings are okay it’s what we do with our feelings that matters. Be your children’s emotional coach and watch them go.

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As parents, it can be hard to hold these emotions because it just feels like too much sometimes. Or, it could be that our own anxiety gets activated which can make it doubly hard to contain a set of charged feelings. But there are ways to tackle this very common problem. Below is a mind – body toolkit to support kids with their intense feelings:

• Images and imagery are wonderful tools to help children calm down and relax. Ask your child to think of a picture of an animal or a place or something that helps her relax. You can remind your child to think of this image when they are feeling stressed.
• Try belly breathing together so your child can practice relaxing his or her body. Once they get the hang of it they can learn to breathe through an anxious or upset feeling.
• There are also many wonderful guided imagery CDs your child can listen to practice relaxing and feeling calm.
• Create or buy a feelings chart so you and your family can talk about all the feelings you may have had in a given day. Read stories like My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss or The Feelings Book by Todd Parr so your child can develop their feelings vocabulary.
• Ask your child to draw how he or she feels so they can get some of it out and down on paper.
• Try role playing – a great way for kids to act out their concerns. Parents and even
  siblings can act out a problem to its resolution. This is especially useful with separation issues, school issues, bullying/cliques.

Research shows that telling the story of what happened can help a child process and let go of a stressful incident.  Developing a vocabulary of feeling words and creating space to calm down the mind and body will help support you and your child. Each time your child tries out one of these tools, his or her brain will be learning new ways to cope with their intense feelings.

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by Edie Schatz, LICSW

These days, parents are busier than ever and that can make it hard to spend “quality time” with our kids.  Did you know that a regularly scheduled “special playtime,” (an uninterrupted twenty to thirty minutes a couple of times a week) dedicated to playing distraction-free with your child can really make a difference?

Research suggests that if you do this a few times a week, it will enhance the relationship between parent and child and will have huge payoffs as children get older, especially when they become tweens and adolescents.  Evidence-based programs also suggest that uninterrupted playtime can be beneficial for children who are struggling with behavioral issues and will reduce acting-out behaviors.

Special playtime provides parents with an opportunity to get to be a part of their children’s most intimate play, allows parents to learn about their children, and builds children’s social and emotional vocabulary.

Another critical benefit of special playtime is that it can generalize to other parts of your day. For example, children experience lots of different emotions and by discussing, noting, and naming them, children develop an awareness about their feelings that will extend to their outside world.  These skills will carry over and create teachable moments that will help them learn to deal with frustration, fears, and boredom.

By entering your children’s play you will better understand your children as well as create a special memory that will impact their feelings about your relationship throughout development.

Below are some tips for special playtime which is a less structured version of Filial Therapy (another word for parent/child play):

• Make sure playtime is uninterrupted and scheduled.
• Dedicate twenty to thirty minutes a couple of times a week to special playtime.
• Allow your child to direct and be in charge of the play and set limits sparingly.  Allow them to direct you. Try not to give advice or problem solve for your child.
• Comment on the emotions expressed during play.  Make comments without judgment such as, “You are getting really frustrated,”  “I notice you smiling, it looks like you are having fun,” “You keep trying even though it is really hard.”
• Focus on noticing your child’s body language and nonverbal messages.
• Create a play environment that is made up of imaginative toys such as blocks, dress ups, play food, and animals so that children use their imaginations.

While the child takes the lead in play, the parent remains in charge.  It is important for parents to create structure by announcing the beginning of special playtime. Be sure to give a five and ten minute warning before playtime is over to help your child transition.  It is normal for children to protest at the end.  Use any protest they might show as an opportunity to talk about your child’s feelings, how much fun you had together, and when you will have your next “special time.”

Click here for more information about special playtime or Filial Therapy.

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It is rational to tell ourselves that of course he/she can try it for a bit and if it’s not working they can always switch. But that doesn’t take care of that nagging question: What if I make the wrong decision and my child suffers as a result?  And because we can’t control for every contingency, it makes us want to hunker down and do just that.

Why is that?

I think it’s because it’s hard sometimes to separate out our own experience from our child’s.  We love our kids so much that at times it seems like they are us. This isn’t a bad thing but it can cause us some heartache.

In their book, “Parenting from The Inside Out,” Mary Hartzell and Daniel J. Siegel offer a gentle approach for parents to wonder compassionately about the impact of their own upbringing and experiences. This manner of seeing one’s self can help bring some calming perspective to the fore.

For example, if Johnny’s upcoming high school decision feels like an ever-tightening vise around your neck it might be a good idea to get back in touch with your own high school story.

Find a way to release that pain by talking to someone you trust, writing it down, or going out or a run. Becoming more aware and creating space for yourself will allow you to let go of some of the anxiety about the decision.

Following this gentle course can be helpful because no one is asking you to change (unless you want to) just that you be curious and begin to notice more about what you are feeling.

Then, take a good look at your child because it could be that they are going to be absolutely fine. And if and when that changes, a less stressed out you will be available so them so the two of you can talk it over and explore what to do together.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice. I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

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Why are we inundated by these messages that seem designed to undermine our feeling of security as parents? My guess is it fuels the need to buy more books.

Let me suggest taking a more gentle and integrative long view instead. The next time your child gets upset and/or starts screaming or crying inconsolably, try to notice what You are feeling.

For example, maybe you grew up in a house where the unwritten rule was, ‘strong emotions are not welcome here.’ or, maybe there was a lot of anger in your house and hearing yelling of any kind makes you uncomfortable? If yes, then listening to a lot of crying or anger might really stress you out.

We all get mad, sad, and glad. Developing an awareness about our own feelings can help bring down the anxiety level in any fraught situation. Once you start noticing how you feel when certain emotions come to the forefront there will be more space for you to act without reacting.

Becoming familiar with our own feelings also helps us to trust in ourselves.  This way we can demonstrate to our kids that all feelings are okay and its what we do with our feelings that matters.

So the next time a new parenting publicity junket gets launched, maybe we can decide to just skip it and tune into ourselves instead.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice . I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

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