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Mindfulness can help us in any moment: even in times of transition

Transitions happen all the time. Schools out. Summer’s here. Vacations, camp, back-to-school, moving, sleep schedules, birthdays, illness. All of these shifts can throw a person off kilter. Trying to get back to center where equanimity reigns can feel like an uphill battle.

So many of us instinctively push away our strong feelings because they seem scary and uncomfortable. Tara Brach talks about meeting life where it is.  She shares that interestingly, the best way to navigate change might be to simply notice what you are feeling.

I like to think of this as becoming more awake. Some people call it mindfulness or being in the present moment. Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose in the present moment and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.

Maybe our goal doesn’t have to be to get back to where we were when things were good or easy or known. Instead, we can start to notice what we feel and where in our body we experience our strongest emotions. Knowing we don’t actually have to “do” anything, fix it, or be “better” can come as a huge relief.

Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance outlines this practice beautifully.  Experimenting with connecting thoughts to sensation and feeling can help us live in this moment even if it is a moment of transition.

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Despite being billed as a relaxing time, some struggles can feel more intense because of the more slower, open pace. We have more unstructured time with our kids and that doesn’t always feel so “relaxing.”

The days are longer which gives us more time to experience resistance, tantrums, and pushback with our kids.  A lot of how we experience these struggles has to do with our own expectations and what we tell ourselves.

All parents worry or get frustrated with their kids but taking a look at the messages we send ourselves first can make a big difference in the outcome. If you tell yourself, “Why can’t he just listen?” or What’s wrong with him or me?” – you are not helping you or your child.

The best way to take care of both of you (whatever the season) is to get curious and to think of yourself as an Emotional Coach. Below are some ideas to experiment with during these summer months:

1.  Develop your own awareness about how you feel and what you think when you are with your child.

2. Tap into what soothes and cares for you.

3. Consider your child’s temperament. Sometimes, “quiet” parents wind up with an exuberant child or, a gregarious parent notices her child is a bit of a loner. This is not good or bad;  just useful information to have as you think about how to address the struggle.

4. Gather information about the situation. Pretend you are a scientist and notice when I do X, my child does Y.

5. Get curious about eating and sleep schedules. Does my child need to go to bed earlier? Is he hungry?

6. Arm yourself with some tools to cut down on power struggles.

7. Above all, be kind to yourself as your engage in this process.

Happy summer!

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Work, fun, and leisure time used to be relatively easy to balance.  But as a new mom, it can be tough adjusting to feeling a lack of control, sleep deprivation, and hardly a minute to yourself. What can you do to take care of You while taking care of your new little one? Have a look at the tips below to learn more and see that a lot depends on the messages we send ourselves:

1.  Manage your expectations. You know that saying, “Rome was not built in a day?” Well, the house does not have to be neat and tidy just because it used to be, pre-baby. Now, you are expending a lot of energy in other areas so letting go of standards about how something should look or be is a key component to new motherhood.

2. Pay attention to what you are telling yourself.  Try to notice (without judgment) what you are telling yourself. Are you saying things like, “I don’t know how to do this” or, “why is it so hard for me to get out of the house?” If yes, you need to try to create more space for self-care by replacing those thoughts with some neutral or positive ones. Try saying things like, “I am learning more about myself and my baby every day” or, “Everyone needs a break sometimes so they can relax and recharge.” If you find it hard to let go of critical self-talk, ask yourself, ‘would I talk to a friend this way?’

3. Take a deep breath into your belly, let it out slowly and note what you are feeling (anxiety, tension, anger, or sadness) and where (in my chest, my stomach, my jaw) you might be feeling it. This exercise helps to root you in the present moment and surprisingly, will make you feel more in control of things because you are developing valuable self-awareness skills.

4. Choose a phrase or mantra that has meaning to you to use during stressful times. For example, when the baby cries and is not calming right away, say to yourself, “It’s okay. This will pass.” Or, conjure up an image of a place that makes you feel peaceful inside. This could be a place you visit every summer or an imaginary island where you feel safe and secure. Use this with the deep belly breathing to connect what you are thinking to what you are feeling in your body.

5. Ask for help from your partner, friends, or family and/or hire help. This is absolutely essential. If you are home all day with your baby, make sure you have some time that is yours even if it is only a few minutes a day to walk around the block or sit on a bench and look at the clouds go by.

6. Exercise and connecting with other new moms are other great ways to take care of you. Being a mom is a whole new identity to get used to and it takes time to adjust to the change. Exploring ways to take care of yourself is the gift you can give to yourself that keeps on giving. Try it and see!

Below are some terrific resources for new moms in the DC area:

Mojo Mom – Book and website by Amy Tiemann

Mindful Motherhood – Book and website by Cassandra Vieten

Stroller Strides – A total fitness program for moms and their babies

Lil Omm Yoga – Yoga and more for the whole family

The post A Self-Care Primer For New Moms appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

It is rational to tell ourselves that of course he/she can try it for a bit and if it’s not working they can always switch. But that doesn’t take care of that nagging question: What if I make the wrong decision and my child suffers as a result?  And because we can’t control for every contingency, it makes us want to hunker down and do just that.

Why is that?

I think it’s because it’s hard sometimes to separate out our own experience from our child’s.  We love our kids so much that at times it seems like they are us. This isn’t a bad thing but it can cause us some heartache.

In their book, “Parenting from The Inside Out,” Mary Hartzell and Daniel J. Siegel offer a gentle approach for parents to wonder compassionately about the impact of their own upbringing and experiences. This manner of seeing one’s self can help bring some calming perspective to the fore.

For example, if Johnny’s upcoming high school decision feels like an ever-tightening vise around your neck it might be a good idea to get back in touch with your own high school story.

Find a way to release that pain by talking to someone you trust, writing it down, or going out or a run. Becoming more aware and creating space for yourself will allow you to let go of some of the anxiety about the decision.

Following this gentle course can be helpful because no one is asking you to change (unless you want to) just that you be curious and begin to notice more about what you are feeling.

Then, take a good look at your child because it could be that they are going to be absolutely fine. And if and when that changes, a less stressed out you will be available so them so the two of you can talk it over and explore what to do together.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice. I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

The post Decisions, decisions appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

Why are we inundated by these messages that seem designed to undermine our feeling of security as parents? My guess is it fuels the need to buy more books.

Let me suggest taking a more gentle and integrative long view instead. The next time your child gets upset and/or starts screaming or crying inconsolably, try to notice what You are feeling.

For example, maybe you grew up in a house where the unwritten rule was, ‘strong emotions are not welcome here.’ or, maybe there was a lot of anger in your house and hearing yelling of any kind makes you uncomfortable? If yes, then listening to a lot of crying or anger might really stress you out.

We all get mad, sad, and glad. Developing an awareness about our own feelings can help bring down the anxiety level in any fraught situation. Once you start noticing how you feel when certain emotions come to the forefront there will be more space for you to act without reacting.

Becoming familiar with our own feelings also helps us to trust in ourselves.  This way we can demonstrate to our kids that all feelings are okay and its what we do with our feelings that matters.

So the next time a new parenting publicity junket gets launched, maybe we can decide to just skip it and tune into ourselves instead.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice . I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

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