Chanukah comes early this year and Christmas and Kwanzaa are not far behind. If you are one half of an interfaith couple or family, it can be helpful to check in with each other about your vision for the holidays.  This doesn’t have to be too arduous if you keep in mind one of my favorite sayings: All feelings are okay its what we do with our feelings that matters.

The more we can learn about each others’ inner worlds the more connected we will feel with each other. Psychologist John Gottman calls this knowing our partner’s inner psychological terrain: love maps.

What’s your interfaith love map?

For our purposes, an interfaith love map includes sharing the childhood memories that you cherish the most. Is it the different kinds of cookies your mom baked well in advance of Christmas? Taking turns with your siblings to light the menorah or kinara each night?

Do you have special memories about the holidays you celebrate?

Talk with your partner about these special times so they knows what is important to you.  Find a quiet time to sit together and be truly open to learning about each other. The key is to listen and with the goal of mutual understanding only. Don’t worry about reaching an ultimate solution or answer right away. Once you feel truly heard by each other then you can start problem solving. Below are a few more ideas to get you started creating your interfaith love map:

• Read or talk about the meaning and the history of your partner’s holiday along with the symbols and rituals that accompany it. If you notice you have a visceral reaction, try to examine this yourself before you talk it over with your partner. Exploring your own feelings first will make your conversation less reactive.
• Break down how you will celebrate together. For example, will you give presents each night of Chanukah? Will you have a tree, hang flags and decorate your home? Should you go to church or stay home? Are your extended family going to be included? If yes, what will that look like?
• Think about and discuss the rituals that you already share as a couple or family. Together, you can find ways to establish new traditions that encompass what means the most to each of you.
• Finally, let family members know that you have made decisions that are best for you and your family. Explain to them how and where you plan to celebrate the holidays so they are not surprised. Should they have a problem with what you have determined, stand firm and let them know that you love them but this is what is right for your family.

For more hands on help incorporating both faiths, check out The Interfaith Families Project Of Greater Washington.

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By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Associate Editor, PsychCentral.com

The post 10 Ways Families Can Cultivate Their Connection appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

Photo: Juliane Liebermann

It’s 9 PM and you’re exhausted after a busy work and parenting day. Lately, it’s been getting harder to get the kids to sleep on time and you feel like your partner isn’t helping you the way you’d like. You’re feeling stressed, unsupported and angry.

It can be tough to shift our way of communicating because most of us rely on complaining or criticizing when we want something to change. This does not usually lead to a peaceful solution or one where everyone feels heard/understood. So how can we get what we need?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

One helpful resource is a communication process called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) also known as compassionate communication.  Marshall Rosenberg was the Founder and Director of The Center for Nonviolent Communication. Dr. Rosenberg found that to communicate effectively our purpose must shift. In other words, before change can happen, we must first make sure that everyone gets what they need.

Looking at needs and developing a literacy of what a need actually is is key. A need and the request you make to address that need feels very different from a preference you have which can sound to others like you’re making a demand.

Communicating with NVC

Let’s get back to the need you have for more support when trying to get the kids settled in at bedtime. Talking with your partner from a NVC perspective will require that you both to try not to fix, blame or problem-solve right away.

Set aside time (not at bedtime) for you both to express how you feel and ask your partner to listen with 
empathy. He or she can even mirror back what you say in order to make sure they have heard you correctly. Hearing our own words mirrored back can help us feel truly understood.

Perhaps there are reasons why your mate is not available to help you with the kids at bedtime? Setting aside your own reasons for why this is and listening to your spouse’s needs sets the stage for you to both to feel heard and understood.

Below are ten ways NVC skills can help you get your needs met:

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We real-life therapists get to see a different story. Sitting in my chair, I work with real people who show up (mostly) because they want to learn how to connect with their partner. They reach out because they feel worn down or scared by the force of their own reactions. They know they want things to be different. The process of couples therapy can help uncover the stories they’ve been lugging around for years.

These stories can feel weighty but they can also help forge connections. Asking a couple how they met can shed important light in an initial session.  Often, even the most disheartened pair will brighten as they tell their “love story.” The same can be true when mapping out each partner’s family tree with a genogram. For the speaker, it widens the lens to include a cast of many characters while simultaneously allowing their partner view him or her with compassion. A helpful spouse or partner can also help fill in the blanks or add perspective if conflict is not too high at the moment.

Another way stories can help us connect is with John Gottman’s concept of ‘love maps‘ Love maps help us acquire knowledge about each other’s inner world in a light-hearted way. Even if a couple has known each other since the first Bush administration, chances are there’s a lot more to discover now. Gottman suggests couples check out each other’s stories by asking open-ended questions. There is even a love map app couples can buy which offers a host of questions to ask. There is much individual work that lives inside couples therapy. Learning how to tune into your own story and develop strategies to manage and be with strong feelings is imperative. Equally important is knowing and accepting each others’ stories. Here in the real world where there is no commercial break, relationships flourish when one feels truly seen and heard by their mate.

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When someone is struggling, we might be at a loss for how to help. We want to reach out. But we’re worried we’ll do or say the wrong thing. So we don’t do anything. Or maybe we have a track record of saying or doing the wrong things. Either way, the result is the same — we keep to ourselves.

Psychotherapist Lena Aburdene Derhally, MS, LPC, worked in oncology for years. She noted that the best way we can support someone who’s grieving is simply by being there.

The same is true for most things someone is struggling with — whether your friend is having marital problems, your cousin had a miscarriage or an acquaintance opens up about being overwhelmed.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., stressed the importance of listening with empathy. Empathy is key for meaningful relationships. And it’s a skill we can learn. Kogan cited the four attributes of empathy, identified by nursing scholar Teresa Wiseman. Researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown incorporated Wiseman’s definition in her own work. Brown writes about empathy in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power.

Seeing the world as others see it. According to Brown, “we must be willing to recognize and acknowledge our own lens and attempt to see the situation that someone is experiencing through her lens.” Being non-judgmental. “Judging has become such a part of our thinking patterns that we are rarely even aware of why and how we do it,” Brown writes. However, judgment creates distance and disconnection, Kogan said. Non-judgment is a skill we can practice. It starts with ourselves. For instance, we can practice being non-judgmental by embracing ourselves when we make mistakes or don’t measure up to our expectations, Kogan said. We also can practice speaking to ourselves with compassion and realize that others are experiencing hard times like us, she said.

Understanding another’s feelings. In order to understand someone else’s feelings, we must be in touch with our own feelings, Brown writes. It’s important to have an understanding of emotions. But it’s also important to put aside our own “stuff,” or our own opinion when empathizing, Kogan said. Focus on what the person is feeling.
Communicating your understanding of their feelings. Brown shares this example in the book: Your friend tells you they feel like her marriage is falling apart. These kinds of responses don’t convey empathy: “Oh, no, you and Tim are a great couple — I’m sure everything will be fine,” or “At least you have a marriage. John and I haven’t had a real marriage for years.” This response does convey empathy: “I’m really sorry — that can be a very lonely place. Is there anything I can do?” Similarly, if your friend is going through a breakup, Derhally suggested listening and saying, “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.” According to Brown, in general, “at least” isn’t empathetic. Here’s another example: “I had a miscarriage.” “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
These are other helpful and not-so helpful strategies for support.

Be curious about the right thing.

Psychologist Dan Griffin, Ph.D, was working with a family whose father was accused of a terrible crime. During a session one of the adult kids mentioned an Irish saying that goes something like this: If the person is just interested in the story, they’re not your friend. If they’re interested in you, they are. In other words, to be truly supportive, focus on how the person is doing. Don’t ask for the dirt or sordid details.

Think of what’s helped — and not helped — you.

Griffin suggested picking three situations where you needed help and received the right kind of help. What were the common supportive factors? Maybe the person was fully present and didn’t judge you. Maybe they referred you to a helpful resource. Maybe they brought you food or flowers. Maybe they sat with you while you processed your pain.

Also, consider what wasn’t so helpful. Maybe they turned the conversation toward themselves and their issues. Maybe they focused on fiddling with their phone or watching TV.

Of course, everyone is different. But thinking about what’s helped you and what hasn’t may be a good place to start, he said.

Avoid silver linings.

“A major don’t is to try to create silver linings or attempt to fix something with words,” Derhally said. She recalled that during her time working in oncology, it was really difficult for people to hear statements like “everything happens for a reason.” It’s not necessary to come up with “words of wisdom,” she said.

Avoid giving advice.

Unless you’re asked for it, avoid giving advice, Kogan said. When you give advice, you’re communicating what the other person should do instead of giving them the space to discuss how they feel, she said. “For this reason, advice giving often shuts down the conversation because the person does not feel heard.”

Check in regularly.

Let the person know that you’re thinking about them, and you’re available if they want to talk, Derhally said.

Again, the best thing you can do for someone who’s struggling with anything is listen. Give them your full attention. Put down the gadgets. As Griffin said, leaving your phone in another room is a small gesture with a profound meaning.

It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to say the right thing, especially if you’ve messed up before. But, as Kogan said, it’s perfectly OK to say: “I just don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.”

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Should is a word to let go of                                  Image by Christina Mazzalupa

Should is a word to let go of

It’s a thread winding between expectation and identity

it adds to the fear of being found out as it watches us spin in our own heads

dividing us from heart and spirit

How did we learn to layer upon layer, the heft of guilt, responsibility and should?

Years of  self-talk that once again we have it all wrong and that if only we could

fit our square pegs into that perfect space we would be safe and accepted and whole

When actually……if we shine a light onto our should and challenge it by asking ‘why?’

We are sure to feel freer to feel the whole lot of messiness and joy coming next.

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by Paul Sullivan

Easing the Transition From One Nanny to the Next

Over  the last 12 years, Donna Levin has come to know exactly what she needs in a nanny: someone on her way to or in graduate school who has an interest in children and a flexible class schedule.

But given that demographic, she also knows there is going to be a lot of turnover. Most of her nannies stay for a little over a year, she said, and the one she has now, a pre-med student, will depart in a few weeks.

“The current transition is one of those very positive yet painful transitions,” said Ms. Levin, who lives in Newton, Mass.

Like many people who employ nannies, she said other transitions have been rough. Some were because her children were really attached to a caregiver, like the nannies who loved the Boston Red Sox as her son, 12, does. She imagines her daughter, 5, will miss this nanny because they have a special bond over arts and crafts.

Lindsay Heller, who calls herself the Nanny Doctor, tries to foster open dialogue in what can sometimes be a tricky relationship. But there have been other times when the nanny left in a rush — or was rushed out — and Ms. Levin had to explain to her children why someone who seemed to care so deeply for them was gone.

This is the time of year when families and nannies typically part ways, as the summer nears an end and school is about to start. A lot gets written about the nuts and bolts of hiring and firing a nanny (including by me). But most of the focus is on issues that can be resolved if people remember the three P’s: Pay nannies fairly, pay their taxes and pay attention.

The more complex issues are how the departures are handled within the family. Younger children do not understand that the person who read to them, bathed them and snuggled them was being paid to do so. And, as a paid employee, a nanny is free to quit like anyone else.

What makes the transition difficult, of course, is that nannies work in the home and come to know their employers’ children as well as anyone. They are employees, but over the time the boundaries slip and they can seem more like a family member.

“I’ve sometimes been quite surprised interviewing employers about how much animus and negativity parents can bring to the situation of a nanny leaving,” said Julia Wrigley, university provost at the City University of New York and the author of “Other People’s Children” (Basic Books, 1995). “It’s the personalized nature of the relationship. They may have had the nanny for a long time and gotten comfortable.”

While the notion of finding a Mary Poppins who will be with children from birth to college is largely outdated, many parents cling to it. Most anyone with the means to hire a nanny and the desire to have the flexibility promised by one-on-one child care needs to realize that the nanny, however beloved, is going to leave at some point.

Ms. Wrigley, in her research, found that children largely acclimated to new caregivers. The toughest transition was the first time a child realized a nanny was leaving because it disrupted the child’s sense of permanence.

“I interviewed two sisters, and one of them, once her nanny left, she wondered if her sister would be the next to go,” Ms. Wrigley said. “She hadn’t figured out the boundaries of the family.”

Children who had many nannies grew jaded. “The child came to expect it,” she said. “They stopped investing so much in the caregivers.”

Still, most parents — and caregivers, for that matter — don’t want to cause unnecessary distress to children. Nor do parents want the previous nanny’s departure to complicate the job of the next nanny. It’s a difficult balance to attain.

A nanny is going to depart for three reasons: The children she was caring for are older and in school; she finds a better job; or she is fired. All three can be handled smoothly.

Lindsay Heller, a clinical psychologist in Beverly Hills who is known as the Nanny Doctor, said that in the best cases the nanny’s departure was known for weeks, if not months, and the children had time to ask questions and understand why she was leaving. Even better for the children is when the departing nanny stays for a few weeks to train the new one — though she said that is rare.

In good departures, maybe the nanny and the children stay in touch. If not, the children at least understand that it’s not their fault that the nanny is leaving.

(While it’s common to change nannies as the school year starts, Ms. Heller said that was a bad time for the children. “The change would happen ideally before the transition into school or months after that, because the transition into school is stressful,” she said.)

Most of all, parents need to take themselves out of what is usually a stressful situation and help their children through their feelings. “You need to talk about what the nanny did for us,” said Jennifer Kogan, who counsels parents and children around Washington. “She made us feel comfortable and safe and helped us with dinner and put us to bed. Those are all things that we’ll miss. But it’s important for nanny to go and help other people.”

Like employers and employees in any job, parents and nannies don’t always handle a departure in the most mature way. But children will look to their parents for clues about how to react and, more deeply, how to treat people.

This is where parents need to rise above their anger at a caregiver and remember that they, too, have probably changed jobs in their careers.

“Even if it wasn’t a positive experience, there was still a connection with your child,” said Ms. Levin, who is a co-founder of Care.com, a website that matches families and caregivers. “It’s one of those life lessons, like transitioning classrooms or teams that they’re going to go through.”

Ms. Heller said children could experience behavioral changes for up to six months after a caregiver’s departure. If they are toilet-trained, they may regress. If they are calm, they may start having tantrums.

“When the bottom drops out, and someone is not there, that can be a very scary time,” she said. “They didn’t choose this.”

To handle it, parents need to offer emotional support and help their children talk about their feelings, she said.

Ms. Kogan suggested that parents encourage their children to write to a departed nanny, even if the parents have no intention of mailing the notes. “Drawing for kids taps into some other part of them that, without words, helps them process things,” she said.

Since most people who lose a nanny under bad circumstances must hire another one, how the previous nanny left will determine how the new one is received.

In the short term, that will determine whether the children listen to the nanny and develop a bond that is essential for the person charged with not just educating a child but keeping that child safe.

For the parents on nanny No. 2, 3 or 10, the problem of second-guessing their choice grows with each one. Dr. Heller said parents had to do their best to train a nanny and then trust their choice. “If your child is reacting to the caregiver, it doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong nanny,” she said. “It means it’s a difficult transition to a new person. There is going to be some pushback.”

And while most nannies mesh with a family within three months, parents need to take the time to work with the nanny and the children, or they could find themselves in the same predicament again, sooner than they would like.

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Our daughter, Vida, is nearly three months old, and as a first-time parent I’ve experienced some amazing highs and painful lows.

I’ve learned a lot about myself — some have surprised me, others have reinforced things I already knew about myself. I’ve also seen some wonderful changes in my wife. I’m sure as Vida gets older the learning will only continue but I thought it might be helpful for other new dads to hear about my experience so far.

The thing that probably surprised me the most is that I didn’t bond nearly as quickly as I thought I would to the baby. For the first three weeks of Vida’s life, I didn’t feel the deep love and connection that I heard other new parents talk so passionately about — or that I thought I should have.

What I mostly felt was exhausted, irritable and overwhelmed. I thought I knew what tired was before having a baby, but I was way, way off. I kept waiting for all the good feelings to swoop in and overwhelm the bad, but it rarely happened the first few weeks. That’s when some guilt crept in, making matters worse.

So, outwardly, I told friends and family things like “We’re exhausted but doing great.” That was a lie. There were times I found myself angry and resentful towards the baby, something I never would’ve imagined — particularly because my wife and I endured so much to get to this point. (She and I went through three years of failed in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments and ultimately had to use an egg donor.)

In retrospect, maybe it was naive of me to think that the gratitude and relief I felt for finally having a baby would override any negative feelings about the day-to-day reality of having a baby.

Because the reality is that the first several weeks of fatherhood were a grind — feeding, burping, changing diapers, laundry, cleaning bottles, preparing new bottles. Not to mention being emotionally supportive of my wife and fending off well-meaning friends and family, who wanted to see the baby. And then having to do it all over again the next day. It had a Groundhog Day feel to it.

Several things made it easier: All the fantastic meals that our parents made for us, which eliminated the time and energy my wife and I would have to devote to meal preparation. Another is Vida’s much-improved sleep in the last four weeks. She is now fairly routinely sleeping six or seven continuous hours each night, which means my wife and I are more rested, energetic and happier.

One of the amazing things that happened around the eight week mark was Vida smiling at us, particularly when either me or my wife walked into the room. That, as my wife put it, was a “game changer.” Her recognizing us and interacting with us with that smile was overwhelming. It became like a drug, particularly for my wife, who would playfully ask, “Where’s that smile?”

Something else that surprised me was my lack of patience early on. I’ve always considered myself a fairly laid-back, roll-with-the-punches person but there have been a few moments, mainly due to lack of sleep, that I felt myself starting to “lose it.”  Thankfully, I have enough sense to either walk out of the room or hand the baby off to my wife, who has shown way more patience than me.

On a lighter note, probably the biggest thing that’s been reinforced for me is that I am terrible at assembling things. (I really can’t overstate this.) It took me over an hour to put together a Rock n’ Play, which is basically an upright swing. There were three poles that had to be put together. My wife looked on with equal parts amusement and pity as I jammed things together that clearly didn’t fit. A fifth-grader probably could have figured it out in less time than it took me.

There are plenty of things I was noticing about myself but there were some changes in my wife as well. Since Vida was born she has become more assertive and more willing to delegate tasks to me or family members, things she previously had difficulty doing. Seeing her as a more powerful version of herself has made me feel closer to her. Frankly, it’s a turn on.

There have also been some truly touching moments, as when I’ve come home from work and seen my wife and Vida asleep together on the sofa, Vida cradled comfortably in my wife’s arms. I’ve just stared at the beauty of that.

So, a few words of wisdom to new dads or soon-to-be dads: It’s OK if you don’t immediately bond with your baby; the first several weeks are tough and you will often feel like a zombie; plow through and cherish the beautiful moments because those will make it all worthwhile.

David Sternberg, LICSW, is director of DC Talk Therapy, a psychotherapy group practice in Woodley Park.

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