stress Archives - Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW

10 Ways Families Can Cultivate Their Connection

Jennifer Kogan — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 15:03:30 +0000

By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Associate Editor, PsychCentral.com

Psychotherapist Jenifer Hope, LCPC, has worked with many families whose biggest concern is detachment. They feel as though they’re forgetting who their loved ones really are. They don’t have time to get to know their children. “They feel isolated within their own family because everyone is so busy, that there is no actual family time,” she said.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., also sees a shortage of time as the biggest obstacle for families in connecting.

“It doesn’t take much for families to become detached,” Hope said. Most parents commute at least 20 minutes each day. Kids need time to do their homework and participate in extracurricular activities. Add on time for self-care, errands and responsibilities, and there isn’t much time left for family.

But there are many ways families can get closer. Below are 10 tips to try.

1. Pick two.

Hope often suggests her clients pick no more than two activities for their kids to participate in outside of school, and try to schedule one on a Saturday. “That way you are not spending every evening driving kids everywhere,” and you have a lighter load during the week, she said.

2. Hold family meetings.

Families can use these meetings to plan the upcoming week and talk about their values, Kogan said. Every family member has a voice and a say in these meetings.

For instance, families can talk about volunteering, planning upcoming holidays and even explore a problem someone is having at school, work or home, she said.

Family meetings “help families forge bonds and models teamwork at the same time.”

3. Gather around the table.

Eat together once a week and once on the weekend, said Hope, who practices at Urban Balance, which provides comprehensive counseling services in the Chicago area. This can be dinner but it doesn’t have to be. It could be a family breakfast, Kogan said.

Eating together helps parents to “interact with their children and ask them about their day,” Hope said.

4. Have one-on-one time with your kids.

If you have more than one child, Hope suggested scheduling time with each one. This could include everything from going out for breakfast to going to the library and reading books together, she said.

“By spending alone time with each child, you are creating memories and an opportunity to reconnect and bond.”

Hope and her husband have twins. Once a month one twin stays at the grandparents’ house while Hope and her husband spend the day with the other (and vice versa).

5. Practice mindfulness together.

Mindfulness simply means focusing one’s attention on the present moment in an accepting, nonjudgmental way. It’s a skill that boosts well-being and helps individuals handle stress more effectively, Kogan said.

“Practicing mindfulness as a family can help everyone share in an experience that evokes feelings of calmness, contentment and warmth with each other.”

Kogan suggested trying this exercise:

Go outside in the backyard together, sit down on the lawn and close your eyes. Depending on how old your kids are, see if you can all close your eyes for 2-5 minutes and then talk about what you noticed. Did you hear a rustling of the leaves, a bird chirp, a dog bark?

Kogan also recommended these resources: the book Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids and Their Parents by Eline Snell and the CD “Indigo Ocean Dreams” by Lori Lite.

6. Create a family crest.

Kogan suggested drawing a family crest together and discussing what your family stands for. Brainstorm what your family cares about. For instance, include “respect for others” and “listening and supporting others,” along with examples, Kogan said.

7. Carve out time as a couple.

Hope stressed the importance of couples taking time to reconnect and focus on their marriage. “If mom and dad are not connecting, the kids feel it and do the same.”

If you’re pressed for time, she suggested sneaking in lunches together or putting the kids to bed 30 minutes earlier once a week. This gives you time to watch a movie or savor a cup of tea and be quiet together.

8. Model healthy communication.

Kogan also noted that parents set the tone for their family. “If they can reconnect to each other and model how they communicate and handle conflict effectively, this sets the stage for the whole family.”

Often parents don’t want to argue in front of their kids, she said. But it helps kids to see how to resolve differences in healthy ways. For instance, you might use “I” statements, not blame each other, take turns listening and end your talk with a hug, Kogan said.

9. Consider what you can cut out for connection.

Hope was working with a family who found it helpful to cancel cable for a month. They spent that time playing board games and reading books as a family, which made them feel much closer, she said.

10. Limit screen time.

Another family limits the number of hours they spend on their computers, smartphones and iPad. They also turn off this technology at a certain time in the evenings.

“This helped them reconnect because the parents were not always on their phones doing work emails or Pinterest and the children were no longer engulfed by their iPads or playing video games,” Hope said. “They actually had to talk to each other!”

Familial connections have to be maintained. Hope likened it to a car needing a checkup or tuneup. “Families are no different. You have to put in the effort and time in order to remain connected.”

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Slowing it Down: Parenting in an Age of Anxiety

Jennifer Kogan — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 01:15:04 +0000

In DC (and in many other cities) there seems to be a lack of time. We are all rushing to work, school and back home again. What can we parents do to slow things down to be there for our kids and family? Read on to learn more in this article I wrote a while back for the National Association of Social Worker’s Help Starts Here.

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Reconnecting to YOU through the Creative process

Jennifer Kogan — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 13:26:16 +0000

We moms are so busy that sometimes we lose the connection to our creative selves. Read on for some thoughts/resources on how to find your “flow” and help bring your heart and mind together from Guest Blogger, Amy Tatsumi.

What makes you feel alive? What allows you to be connected to your true self? For some, it is singing or dancing when no one is watching. It could also be reading, swimming in the ocean, stargazing, running, enjoying spa time, or eating fresh strawberries. Others may relish old traditions kept alive: Baking bread, knitting, family dinners, or making art. All of these activities involve the action of creating directly or indirectly for ourselves.

Sometimes we, as mothers, are so busy with all of our responsibilities that we can get disconnected from our true selves. We may begin to view life from an intellectual or pragmatic place where we over-think or rationalize the same scripts over and over in our heads.

We tend to put everyone’s needs before ours because that is what mothers, wives, single parents, or outstanding employees are supposed to do (no matter how tired or burnt out we are).

The mom wars of our time seem to reinforce this script that no matter what path of motherhood you choose, someone may find fault with you.

From internal and external pressures and criticisms, we can see our brilliant light dimming. We don’t make time for ourselves or for the pastimes or activities that help us to feel alive. We then experience less joy, satisfaction, contentment, and equanimity in our daily lives and relationships.

What can we do to bring our hearts and minds closer together? The creative process supports both those who have the words and those who don’t. Art therapy provides a healing space for children, teens, and adults alike to connect with images, the creative process, and words to better understand how and why they are feeling disconnected.

Art Therapy helps people who struggle with anxiety, depression, grief & loss, trauma, chronic illness, relationship issues, major life changes, and decision-making. It is practiced in schools, hospitals, wellness centers, the military, and in mental health centers. It is important to note that you don’t need to be artistic to benefit from art therapy.

Art therapists are master’s level credentialed clinicians with training in counseling and art. They offer various mediums (e.g., paint, digital photography, sewing, sculpture, etc.) to help their clients create solutions for the hows and whys of their lives.

Recently, I met with a mother who was feeling unfulfilled and overworked. She began reconnecting to her hopes and wishes through talking and exploring metaphors in watercolors. The fluidity of the watercolor medium helped this mother to make decisions for herself and family that flowed with balance and joy most of the time.

Another woman contacted me because she was feeling anxious about returning to the work force after being home with her child for some time. She was stuck in feelings of guilt and anxiety about her home and work balance. Through exploring a variety of art mediums, this mother used the art making process and her personal metaphors and imagery to feel more grounded and balanced in her everyday life.

Tapping into the creative process can help you reconnect with your authentic self. Try it to discover how your heart and mind can work together to live a life filled with possibilities.

Amy Tatsumi is a mother, art therapist, and licensed professional counselor. She provides children, teens, and adults with individual counseling, groups, and supervision in her Washington, DC practice. Amy helps people create the life they want.

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A mind – body toolkit to support kids with their intense feelings

Jennifer Kogan — Mon, 14 May 2012 17:29:33 +0000

It can be challenging to support your child sometimes if they are wired to be a little on the anxious or intense side. These periods of overwhelm often strike without warning. Sleepovers, tests, teams, all these can trigger anxiety or upset which can lead to worry, sleep problems, and general stress.

As parents, it can be hard to hold these emotions because it just feels like too much sometimes. Or, it could be that our own anxiety gets activated which can make it doubly hard to contain a set of charged feelings. But there are ways to tackle this very common problem. Below is a mind – body toolkit to support kids with their intense feelings:

Images and imagery are wonderful tools to help children calm down and relax. Ask your child to think of a picture of an animal or a place or something that helps her relax. You can remind your child to think of this image when they are feeling stressed.
Try belly breathing together so your child can practice relaxing his or her body. Once they get the hang of it they can learn to breathe through an anxious or upset feeling.
There are also many wonderful guided imagery CDs your child can listen to practice relaxing and feeling calm.
Create or buy a feelings chart so you and your family can talk about all the feelings you may have had in a given day. Read stories like My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss or The Feelings Book by Todd Parr so your child can develop their feelings vocabulary.
Ask your child to draw how he or she feels so they can get some of it out and down on paper.
Try role playing – a great way for kids to act out their concerns. Parents and even
siblings can act out a problem to its resolution. This is especially useful with separation issues, school issues, bullying/cliques.

Research shows that telling the story of what happened can help a child process and let go of a stressful incident. Developing a vocabulary of feeling words and creating space to calm down the mind and body will help support you and your child. Each time your child tries out one of these tools, his or her brain will be learning new ways to cope with their intense feelings.

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From Pregnancy to Motherhood: North American Culture Shock

Jennifer Kogan — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 17:52:20 +0000

Last week I wrote about the new science of self-compassion in the Washington Post blog, ‘On Parenting.’ Writing that post got me thinking about how our society treats us when we first become mothers. I wonder if this could be part of why it’s so hard for us to actually be kind to ourselves?

Think back to when you were first pregnant; a happy time filled with lots of dreams and wishes. Treating yourself well wasn’t so hard then. There was time for sleep, rest, exercise, and even the occasional massage. Of course there was room for worry too. Reading the pregnancy how-to books and blogs could be stressful but you could still find the time and space to take care of yourself.

But who or what is present in our society to celebrate us after we give birth? In other cultures, new mothers are honored and taken care of by their family and community. There is an expectation that they will be given rest, support, and some acknowledgement of their new role.

In our culture there is no ceremony to welcome a new mother rather, we are often discharged from the hospital without fanfare or follow-up. Our families often live far away and most neighborhood communities are not structured to offer that kind of support.

It can be especially hard for new mothers to think about being kind to themselves because the collective focus shifts so swiftly to the new baby. No mention is made of the seismic shift that hits when a new mother experiences interrupted sleep, sore body parts, and little or no time for self-care.

This is not to say that having a baby is a negative experience. Of course it isn’t. But thanks to our culture, mothers often feel wholly responsible for their new little one’s welfare. Generalizing messages like “breast is best” and other such advice do not take a mother’s particular situation into account. There is an emphasis on self-sacrifice that is almost encouraged in our society.

In this country, there are many rituals that mark the arrival of a new baby but I can’t think of one that acknowledges a new mother. The new science of self-compassion does not recommend pushing through the pain. Is it okay to be kind to ourselves while we are nurturing our children? I think so. I believe that if we want to lead healthier and happier lives we have to be kind to ourselves and engage in personal and political conversations about what mothers need.

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All feelings are okay, it’s what we do with our feelings that matters

Jennifer Kogan — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 15:09:46 +0000

Has anyone noticed the overwhelming glut of “hot off the press” information about parenting being lobbed our way? These unsettling messages often contain the latest new study that proves we got it all wrong but there is some hope that we can get it right if we hurry up and read all about it.

Why are we inundated by these messages that seem designed to undermine our feeling of security as parents? My guess is it fuels the need to buy more books.

Let me suggest taking a more gentle and integrative long view instead. The next time your child gets upset and/or starts screaming or crying inconsolably, try to notice what You are feeling.

For example, maybe you grew up in a house where the unwritten rule was, ‘strong emotions are not welcome here.’ or, maybe there was a lot of anger in your house and hearing yelling of any kind makes you uncomfortable? If yes, then listening to a lot of crying or anger might really stress you out.

We all get mad, sad, and glad. Developing an awareness about our own feelings can help bring down the anxiety level in any fraught situation. Once you start noticing how you feel when certain emotions come to the forefront there will be more space for you to act without reacting.

Becoming familiar with our own feelings also helps us to trust in ourselves. This way we can demonstrate to our kids that all feelings are okay and its what we do with our feelings that matters.

So the next time a new parenting publicity junket gets launched, maybe we can decide to just skip it and tune into ourselves instead.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend. I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice . I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

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Time for a ‘Time in’

Jennifer Kogan — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 01:10:31 +0000

Time. It’s what many of us parents need more of these days. The hours in a day compress into a persistent ticking on an internal timepiece as we try to pack it all in. Like you, I treasure time with my family but this doesn’t stop me from measuring that time.

When things start to get too busy we can start to feel a little unmoored. Nothing too terrible happens but we may become a little less patient as we rush through the day. We know we will have to stop working (writing, painting, emailing, solving, meeting, etc.) before we are quite ready to because it’s time for homework, dinner, and bedtime routines.

We are welcome to pick up where we left off once everyone else is asleep a la midnight moms. But is that how I want to use my time?

What I know about this is that every day is different. Sometimes I may need to push through but other days I may need a “time in.”

Time in can be many things. For me, it is listening to guided imagery so my brain can relax and recharge. It is delightedly finding myself alone in my own house and just breathing for awhile. It is meeting someone for coffee so I can enjoy the care and attention of a dear friend.

These days it is easier for me to notice when I need a “time in” so my patience doesn’t get as tested. And of course, time in with family is also time well spent.

What can kind of “time in” would you enjoy?

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