by Edie Schatz, LICSW

These days, parents are busier than ever and that can make it hard to spend “quality time” with our kids.  Did you know that a regularly scheduled “special playtime,” (an uninterrupted twenty to thirty minutes a couple of times a week) dedicated to playing distraction-free with your child can really make a difference?

Research suggests that if you do this a few times a week, it will enhance the relationship between parent and child and will have huge payoffs as children get older, especially when they become tweens and adolescents.  Evidence-based programs also suggest that uninterrupted playtime can be beneficial for children who are struggling with behavioral issues and will reduce acting-out behaviors.

Special playtime provides parents with an opportunity to get to be a part of their children’s most intimate play, allows parents to learn about their children, and builds children’s social and emotional vocabulary.

Another critical benefit of special playtime is that it can generalize to other parts of your day. For example, children experience lots of different emotions and by discussing, noting, and naming them, children develop an awareness about their feelings that will extend to their outside world.  These skills will carry over and create teachable moments that will help them learn to deal with frustration, fears, and boredom.

By entering your children’s play you will better understand your children as well as create a special memory that will impact their feelings about your relationship throughout development.

Below are some tips for special playtime which is a less structured version of Filial Therapy (another word for parent/child play):

• Make sure playtime is uninterrupted and scheduled.
• Dedicate twenty to thirty minutes a couple of times a week to special playtime.
• Allow your child to direct and be in charge of the play and set limits sparingly.  Allow them to direct you. Try not to give advice or problem solve for your child.
• Comment on the emotions expressed during play.  Make comments without judgment such as, “You are getting really frustrated,”  “I notice you smiling, it looks like you are having fun,” “You keep trying even though it is really hard.”
• Focus on noticing your child’s body language and nonverbal messages.
• Create a play environment that is made up of imaginative toys such as blocks, dress ups, play food, and animals so that children use their imaginations.

While the child takes the lead in play, the parent remains in charge.  It is important for parents to create structure by announcing the beginning of special playtime. Be sure to give a five and ten minute warning before playtime is over to help your child transition.  It is normal for children to protest at the end.  Use any protest they might show as an opportunity to talk about your child’s feelings, how much fun you had together, and when you will have your next “special time.”

Click here for more information about special playtime or Filial Therapy.

The post Incorporating a “special playtime” to strengthen your connection with your child appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

It is rational to tell ourselves that of course he/she can try it for a bit and if it’s not working they can always switch. But that doesn’t take care of that nagging question: What if I make the wrong decision and my child suffers as a result?  And because we can’t control for every contingency, it makes us want to hunker down and do just that.

Why is that?

I think it’s because it’s hard sometimes to separate out our own experience from our child’s.  We love our kids so much that at times it seems like they are us. This isn’t a bad thing but it can cause us some heartache.

In their book, “Parenting from The Inside Out,” Mary Hartzell and Daniel J. Siegel offer a gentle approach for parents to wonder compassionately about the impact of their own upbringing and experiences. This manner of seeing one’s self can help bring some calming perspective to the fore.

For example, if Johnny’s upcoming high school decision feels like an ever-tightening vise around your neck it might be a good idea to get back in touch with your own high school story.

Find a way to release that pain by talking to someone you trust, writing it down, or going out or a run. Becoming more aware and creating space for yourself will allow you to let go of some of the anxiety about the decision.

Following this gentle course can be helpful because no one is asking you to change (unless you want to) just that you be curious and begin to notice more about what you are feeling.

Then, take a good look at your child because it could be that they are going to be absolutely fine. And if and when that changes, a less stressed out you will be available so them so the two of you can talk it over and explore what to do together.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice. I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

The post Decisions, decisions appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

Why are we inundated by these messages that seem designed to undermine our feeling of security as parents? My guess is it fuels the need to buy more books.

Let me suggest taking a more gentle and integrative long view instead. The next time your child gets upset and/or starts screaming or crying inconsolably, try to notice what You are feeling.

For example, maybe you grew up in a house where the unwritten rule was, ‘strong emotions are not welcome here.’ or, maybe there was a lot of anger in your house and hearing yelling of any kind makes you uncomfortable? If yes, then listening to a lot of crying or anger might really stress you out.

We all get mad, sad, and glad. Developing an awareness about our own feelings can help bring down the anxiety level in any fraught situation. Once you start noticing how you feel when certain emotions come to the forefront there will be more space for you to act without reacting.

Becoming familiar with our own feelings also helps us to trust in ourselves.  This way we can demonstrate to our kids that all feelings are okay and its what we do with our feelings that matters.

So the next time a new parenting publicity junket gets launched, maybe we can decide to just skip it and tune into ourselves instead.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice . I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

The post All feelings are okay, it’s what we do with our feelings that matters appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.