Recently, I interviewed Linda Ryden, who heads up the Teaching Peace program at Lafayette Elementary School in NW DC. Teaching Peace is a weekly special (like music or art) for kids in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th grades where they learn about kindness, responsibility, conflict resolution, mindfulness and appreciating our diversity.

Linda relayed some of her thoughts on Teaching Peace and bullying prevention, “My goal with the whole Peace program at Lafayette is to create a culture of kindness. The two most important factors in preventing bullying at school are changing the school climate and allotting class time to social emotional learning. Most bullying takes place during lunch or recess when children are not with their classroom teachers.  At Lafayette we have so many clubs in addition to Peace Club, there is really something for everyone.  I would also encourage parents to talk to their kids about the role of bystanders in bullying.”

Linda explains that few children will readily admit to bullying someone, but the fact is that bullying only happens because adults and children are letting it happen. Kids who feel connected at school are much less likely to bully, to be passive bystanders of bullying and to become victims of bullying.

She suggests that parents encourage their children to get involved, to find groups or clubs that interest them so they can develop a little community within the community at school.

It is also vital that parents talk with kids about how they can use their power to help others. Below are some ideas for what kids can do when they see someone being teased or picked on:

• Refuse to laugh when someone is teasing
• Stand next to someone who is being picked on or teased
• Help the victim move away from the situation
• Make sure to include someone if they notice they are usually all alone.

There is no absolute way to protect our children from every danger, but fostering a dialogue with our kids about what they see and do on the playground and at recess is an important start.  Connecting to our own feelings, memories, and experiences of growing up is another way we can help.  Sharing and listening to pertinent stories paves the way for our kids to feel more confident should an issue of bullying present itself.

The post Kindness & Community = Bully Prevention Strategies that Work appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

Upon arrival, you congratulate yourself for being on time with two relatively cheerful kids in tow. As you walk towards the classroom a little, “note to self” begins to tug at your brain. Oh dear, today was your turn to bring in the snack for your child’s class and you completely forgot.

We’ve all been there and done that but what is most important here isn’t the forgotten snack. It’s what you tell yourself about it.  Do you say, “How could I have done that? That was so stupid”? or, “Now, I’ve let everyone down”?

Not everyone does do this, but for some of us it’s hard to let go when we make a mistake and we beat ourselves up when we do.

Why is this so important? We may not even realize we are doing it, but when we screw up or forget something and then think negative thoughts, it does NOT HELP AT ALL.

There are steps to take to combat those pesky automatic negative thoughts. But what can be useful right off the bat is to simply note when we tell ourselves things that are not very kind or useful. Noticing when these thoughts occur and changing them from negative to neutral or positive ones starts with mindful awareness.

It may take some time to get the hang of it but you will never be short on opportunities to practice. You can even experiment with mindfulness with your kids by taking a short field trip into your backyard. Lie in the grass together and talk about thoughts that move like clouds through the sky. Even if you are not feeling so relaxed yourself, this time in will be good practice for both of you.

Over time, your thoughts will become less automatic as you develop the ability to really know what you are telling yourself. So the next time you make a mistake, try talking to yourself with words that hold no judgment or pain. You will rest easier in mindful awareness.

The post What you tell yourself really matters appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

Why are we inundated by these messages that seem designed to undermine our feeling of security as parents? My guess is it fuels the need to buy more books.

Let me suggest taking a more gentle and integrative long view instead. The next time your child gets upset and/or starts screaming or crying inconsolably, try to notice what You are feeling.

For example, maybe you grew up in a house where the unwritten rule was, ‘strong emotions are not welcome here.’ or, maybe there was a lot of anger in your house and hearing yelling of any kind makes you uncomfortable? If yes, then listening to a lot of crying or anger might really stress you out.

We all get mad, sad, and glad. Developing an awareness about our own feelings can help bring down the anxiety level in any fraught situation. Once you start noticing how you feel when certain emotions come to the forefront there will be more space for you to act without reacting.

Becoming familiar with our own feelings also helps us to trust in ourselves.  This way we can demonstrate to our kids that all feelings are okay and its what we do with our feelings that matters.

So the next time a new parenting publicity junket gets launched, maybe we can decide to just skip it and tune into ourselves instead.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice . I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

The post All feelings are okay, it’s what we do with our feelings that matters appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.