connection Archives - Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW

No risk is the biggest risk

Jennifer Kogan — Sun, 13 Dec 2020 17:33:00 +0000

Risk : the possibility of loss or injury which can lead to Peril

When we experience a flash of fright it can set off alarm bells inside us. This feeling of danger or peril feels real but often it actually harkens back to our pre-historic ancestors who had to be constantly on guard to avoid being killed by a saber-toothed tiger. In modern times, we might actually feel like we will indeed die if we do something that makes us feel exposed or vulnerable in any way. In fact, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with those we trust leads to connection, love and indeed, courage.

Recently, someone I know shared that they had their therapist’s contact information for a long time before reaching out. They reflected that something that had felt so scary turned out to actually be just what they needed. They felt freer and more content despite the current state of the world. This made me wonder what needs to happen for any one of us to make that call, send that email, take a risk. Below is a list of fears and what may stop one from taking a risk and the benefits of taking a leap of faith,

Fears:

Fear of being judged
Fear of not being heard or seen or understood
Fear of what might be uncovered during therapy
Feeling shame or a sense of “unworthiness”
Feeling other people’s problems are worse than ours
Feeling I should just get over it myself.

Risk Benefits:

joy
humor
relief
freedom
curiosity
no judgment
healing
shifting our point of view to one that is more kind and compassionate towards ourselves
connection to our mind and body
Being with and feeling one’s feelings
more space to dream
more space to decide how one wants to act vs. react
Being our own safe place.

While it is true that staying in your own psychic, mental and heart space will keep you safe in a way, the danger of no risk is that you will miss the rich, messy experience of life with fellow explorers in and around the terrain that is your heart.

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10 Ways Families Can Cultivate Their Connection

Jennifer Kogan — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 15:03:30 +0000

By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Associate Editor, PsychCentral.com

Psychotherapist Jenifer Hope, LCPC, has worked with many families whose biggest concern is detachment. They feel as though they’re forgetting who their loved ones really are. They don’t have time to get to know their children. “They feel isolated within their own family because everyone is so busy, that there is no actual family time,” she said.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., also sees a shortage of time as the biggest obstacle for families in connecting.

“It doesn’t take much for families to become detached,” Hope said. Most parents commute at least 20 minutes each day. Kids need time to do their homework and participate in extracurricular activities. Add on time for self-care, errands and responsibilities, and there isn’t much time left for family.

But there are many ways families can get closer. Below are 10 tips to try.

1. Pick two.

Hope often suggests her clients pick no more than two activities for their kids to participate in outside of school, and try to schedule one on a Saturday. “That way you are not spending every evening driving kids everywhere,” and you have a lighter load during the week, she said.

2. Hold family meetings.

Families can use these meetings to plan the upcoming week and talk about their values, Kogan said. Every family member has a voice and a say in these meetings.

For instance, families can talk about volunteering, planning upcoming holidays and even explore a problem someone is having at school, work or home, she said.

Family meetings “help families forge bonds and models teamwork at the same time.”

3. Gather around the table.

Eat together once a week and once on the weekend, said Hope, who practices at Urban Balance, which provides comprehensive counseling services in the Chicago area. This can be dinner but it doesn’t have to be. It could be a family breakfast, Kogan said.

Eating together helps parents to “interact with their children and ask them about their day,” Hope said.

4. Have one-on-one time with your kids.

If you have more than one child, Hope suggested scheduling time with each one. This could include everything from going out for breakfast to going to the library and reading books together, she said.

“By spending alone time with each child, you are creating memories and an opportunity to reconnect and bond.”

Hope and her husband have twins. Once a month one twin stays at the grandparents’ house while Hope and her husband spend the day with the other (and vice versa).

5. Practice mindfulness together.

Mindfulness simply means focusing one’s attention on the present moment in an accepting, nonjudgmental way. It’s a skill that boosts well-being and helps individuals handle stress more effectively, Kogan said.

“Practicing mindfulness as a family can help everyone share in an experience that evokes feelings of calmness, contentment and warmth with each other.”

Kogan suggested trying this exercise:

Go outside in the backyard together, sit down on the lawn and close your eyes. Depending on how old your kids are, see if you can all close your eyes for 2-5 minutes and then talk about what you noticed. Did you hear a rustling of the leaves, a bird chirp, a dog bark?

Kogan also recommended these resources: the book Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids and Their Parents by Eline Snell and the CD “Indigo Ocean Dreams” by Lori Lite.

6. Create a family crest.

Kogan suggested drawing a family crest together and discussing what your family stands for. Brainstorm what your family cares about. For instance, include “respect for others” and “listening and supporting others,” along with examples, Kogan said.

7. Carve out time as a couple.

Hope stressed the importance of couples taking time to reconnect and focus on their marriage. “If mom and dad are not connecting, the kids feel it and do the same.”

If you’re pressed for time, she suggested sneaking in lunches together or putting the kids to bed 30 minutes earlier once a week. This gives you time to watch a movie or savor a cup of tea and be quiet together.

8. Model healthy communication.

Kogan also noted that parents set the tone for their family. “If they can reconnect to each other and model how they communicate and handle conflict effectively, this sets the stage for the whole family.”

Often parents don’t want to argue in front of their kids, she said. But it helps kids to see how to resolve differences in healthy ways. For instance, you might use “I” statements, not blame each other, take turns listening and end your talk with a hug, Kogan said.

9. Consider what you can cut out for connection.

Hope was working with a family who found it helpful to cancel cable for a month. They spent that time playing board games and reading books as a family, which made them feel much closer, she said.

10. Limit screen time.

Another family limits the number of hours they spend on their computers, smartphones and iPad. They also turn off this technology at a certain time in the evenings.

“This helped them reconnect because the parents were not always on their phones doing work emails or Pinterest and the children were no longer engulfed by their iPads or playing video games,” Hope said. “They actually had to talk to each other!”

Familial connections have to be maintained. Hope likened it to a car needing a checkup or tuneup. “Families are no different. You have to put in the effort and time in order to remain connected.”

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Helping couples connect with stories

Jennifer Kogan — Sun, 08 May 2016 21:39:38 +0000

Here’s the story. Julia and Joel have always been the couple you can count on until this sixth and final season of NBC’s Parenthood. Lately, they’ve been missing each other since Julia quit her corporate law job to stay home with the kids and Joel went back to work. Now, they can’t seem to communicate or even understand each other. The stresses pile on and Julia turns away and kisses someone. Cue to couple therapy where they both sit perched uncomfortably; miserable on the requisite sofa. The bespectacled therapist doesn’t stand a chance. As soon as we return from the next commercial, the kids are getting the news about the impending divorce. Why do television couples in therapy seem to give up so quickly? Better yet, why is couple therapy on the small screen depicted with such a lack of connection and warmth?

We real-life therapists get to see a different story. Sitting in my chair, I work with real people who show up (mostly) because they want to learn how to connect with their partner. They reach out because they feel worn down or scared by the force of their own reactions. They know they want things to be different. The process of couples therapy can help uncover the stories they’ve been lugging around for years.

These stories can feel weighty but they can also help forge connections. Asking a couple how they met can shed important light in an initial session. Often, even the most disheartened pair will brighten as they tell their “love story.” The same can be true when mapping out each partner’s family tree with a genogram. For the speaker, it widens the lens to include a cast of many characters while simultaneously allowing their partner view him or her with compassion. A helpful spouse or partner can also help fill in the blanks or add perspective if conflict is not too high at the moment.

Another way stories can help us connect is with John Gottman’s concept of ‘love maps‘ Love maps help us acquire knowledge about each other’s inner world in a light-hearted way. Even if a couple has known each other since the first Bush administration, chances are there’s a lot more to discover now. Gottman suggests couples check out each other’s stories by asking open-ended questions. There is even a love map app couples can buy which offers a host of questions to ask. There is much individual work that lives inside couples therapy. Learning how to tune into your own story and develop strategies to manage and be with strong feelings is imperative. Equally important is knowing and accepting each others’ stories. Here in the real world where there is no commercial break, relationships flourish when one feels truly seen and heard by their mate.

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How to Reconnect and Have Fun With Your Mate

Jennifer Kogan — Tue, 09 Dec 2014 23:12:16 +0000

Posted in Activity Rocket‘s blog

12/1/14

Here are Some Great ways to Bond with Your Partner by Our Friend Jen Kogan

Many of us who have kids remember the early years as a sleep-deprived time accompanied by unavoidable squabbles with our mate. This is confirmed in research which reveals that 67% of couples become unhappy with their relationship during the first three years of their child’s life. Often, it takes couples at least six years before they look for help in finding their way back to each other.

John Gottman, PhD found that couples can start to lose their bond once a baby arrives due to the amount of work which increases tremendously along with lack of sleep. Gottman offers practical solutions to help couples communicate and handle conflict more effectively. Chief among his suggestions are avoiding criticism, upping your appreciation of each other, and trying not to get caught in needing to be right.

Whether it has been weeks, months or years since you felt truly understood or connected to your mate, there is much to hope for. Once a couple names the problem and takes steps to work on their relationship they can move from primarily dissatisfied to feeling mostly content. Sometimes this takes a commitment to couples counseling but sometimes all it takes is a shift in perception.

Often men and women literally miss each other because they have such different operating systems. Generally, women feel closer in relationship through words and conversation. Men connect through the course of action or activities.

In order to set you both up for success, why not try something different from your typical date night out at a restaurant which can feel too intense or prescribed to some. Sharing special moments doing something together creates new memories to draw upon.

Because DC is such a busy town, you may need to get creative with when you go (afternoon coffee can be just as fun as drinks out on the town) and who watches the kids if sitters are hard to come by (enlist a friend, neighbor or fellow parent you can help out next week-end).

Check out Gottman’s Sound Relationship House to learn more about staying connected as you raise a family. See below for some fun, local activities you can try together to strengthen your bond:

Check out a Comedy Show

Create some art together

Tour and appreciate art and cocktails together

Head out to an independent bookstore to browse and have coffee

Pack a picnic and go to: National Cathedral Bishop’s Garden

Watch airplanes take off and land at Gravelly Point Park

Bike, Hike, kayak at the C & O Canal

Explore Rock Creek park

Head out to the theater together

Go to a concert

Go Caps!

Take a cooking class together

Go to the movies and toast each other at the same time.

Brought to you by Jen Kogan, LICSW—a psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples who are parents in her NW DC private practice.

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Five Ways to Strengthen Your Connection to Your Self

Jennifer Kogan — Tue, 27 May 2014 02:03:10 +0000

“[W]e need to be grounded in who we are before we can have healthy relationships with others.” Read more of about how to connect to yourself and practice self-compassion in this piece I was interviewed in by Margarita Tartakovsky at Psych Central.

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How To Feel Closer To Your Family While Raising a Family

Jennifer Kogan — Thu, 10 May 2012 01:30:20 +0000

Ever look at the person you married and ask yourself, “What happened to us? We used to be so close and feel so connected.” Being one half of a couple with kids can feel awfully lonely sometimes. The good news is that you are in good company. Read more about what to do about this common phenomenon.

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Incorporating a “special playtime” to strengthen your connection with your child

Jennifer Kogan — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 16:30:23 +0000

This week I am pleased to share a guest blog from my colleague, Edie Schatz who has a private practice in Columbia, MD where she works with young, school age, and adolescent children, and their families. Edie is passionate about helping parents strengthen their relationships with their children throughout development using play. She is also available to speak to parents and professionals in the community about a variety of parenting topics including “special playtime.”

by Edie Schatz, LICSW

These days, parents are busier than ever and that can make it hard to spend “quality time” with our kids. Did you know that a regularly scheduled “special playtime,” (an uninterrupted twenty to thirty minutes a couple of times a week) dedicated to playing distraction-free with your child can really make a difference?

Research suggests that if you do this a few times a week, it will enhance the relationship between parent and child and will have huge payoffs as children get older, especially when they become tweens and adolescents. Evidence-based programs also suggest that uninterrupted playtime can be beneficial for children who are struggling with behavioral issues and will reduce acting-out behaviors.

Special playtime provides parents with an opportunity to get to be a part of their children’s most intimate play, allows parents to learn about their children, and builds children’s social and emotional vocabulary.

Another critical benefit of special playtime is that it can generalize to other parts of your day. For example, children experience lots of different emotions and by discussing, noting, and naming them, children develop an awareness about their feelings that will extend to their outside world. These skills will carry over and create teachable moments that will help them learn to deal with frustration, fears, and boredom.

By entering your children’s play you will better understand your children as well as create a special memory that will impact their feelings about your relationship throughout development.

Below are some tips for special playtime which is a less structured version of Filial Therapy (another word for parent/child play):

Make sure playtime is uninterrupted and scheduled.
Dedicate twenty to thirty minutes a couple of times a week to special playtime.
Allow your child to direct and be in charge of the play and set limits sparingly. Allow them to direct you. Try not to give advice or problem solve for your child.
Comment on the emotions expressed during play. Make comments without judgment such as, “You are getting really frustrated,” “I notice you smiling, it looks like you are having fun,” “You keep trying even though it is really hard.”
Focus on noticing your child’s body language and nonverbal messages.
Create a play environment that is made up of imaginative toys such as blocks, dress ups, play food, and animals so that children use their imaginations.

While the child takes the lead in play, the parent remains in charge. It is important for parents to create structure by announcing the beginning of special playtime. Be sure to give a five and ten minute warning before playtime is over to help your child transition. It is normal for children to protest at the end. Use any protest they might show as an opportunity to talk about your child’s feelings, how much fun you had together, and when you will have your next “special time.”

Click here for more information about special playtime or Filial Therapy.

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John Gottman Couples Therapy Interview

Jennifer Kogan — Sat, 01 Jul 2000 21:09:57 +0000

This is an older interview with John Gottman, a couples therapist and psychologist and who relays important information to help couples communicate and connect based on years of research. This is still relevant because many couples give up on each other when they could learn how to connect and communicate despite the inevitable conflict that is endemic to sustained relationships.

Read the article

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