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As parents, it can be hard to hold these emotions because it just feels like too much sometimes. Or, it could be that our own anxiety gets activated which can make it doubly hard to contain a set of charged feelings. But there are ways to tackle this very common problem. Below is a mind – body toolkit to support kids with their intense feelings:

• Images and imagery are wonderful tools to help children calm down and relax. Ask your child to think of a picture of an animal or a place or something that helps her relax. You can remind your child to think of this image when they are feeling stressed.
• Try belly breathing together so your child can practice relaxing his or her body. Once they get the hang of it they can learn to breathe through an anxious or upset feeling.
• There are also many wonderful guided imagery CDs your child can listen to practice relaxing and feeling calm.
• Create or buy a feelings chart so you and your family can talk about all the feelings you may have had in a given day. Read stories like My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss or The Feelings Book by Todd Parr so your child can develop their feelings vocabulary.
• Ask your child to draw how he or she feels so they can get some of it out and down on paper.
• Try role playing – a great way for kids to act out their concerns. Parents and even
  siblings can act out a problem to its resolution. This is especially useful with separation issues, school issues, bullying/cliques.

Research shows that telling the story of what happened can help a child process and let go of a stressful incident.  Developing a vocabulary of feeling words and creating space to calm down the mind and body will help support you and your child. Each time your child tries out one of these tools, his or her brain will be learning new ways to cope with their intense feelings.

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Think back to when you were first pregnant; a happy time filled with lots of dreams and wishes. Treating yourself well wasn’t so hard then. There was time for sleep, rest, exercise, and even the occasional massage. Of course there was room for worry too. Reading the pregnancy how-to books and blogs could be stressful but you could still find the time and space to take care of yourself.

But who or what is present in our society to celebrate us after we give birth?   In other cultures, new mothers are honored and taken care of by their family and community. There is an expectation that they will be given rest, support, and some acknowledgement of their new role.

In our culture there is no ceremony to welcome a new mother rather, we are often discharged from the hospital without fanfare or follow-up. Our families often live far away and most neighborhood communities are not structured to offer that kind of support.

It can be especially hard for new mothers to think about being kind to themselves because the collective focus shifts so swiftly to the new baby. No mention is made of the seismic shift that hits when a new mother experiences interrupted sleep, sore body parts, and little or no time for self-care.

This is not to say that having a baby is a negative experience. Of course it isn’t. But thanks to our culture, mothers often feel wholly responsible for their new little one’s welfare.  Generalizing messages like “breast is best” and other such advice do not take a mother’s particular situation into account.  There is an emphasis on self-sacrifice that is almost encouraged in our society.

In this country, there are many rituals that mark the arrival of a new baby but I can’t think of one that acknowledges a new mother. The new science of self-compassion does not recommend pushing through the pain.  Is it okay to be kind to ourselves while we are nurturing our children? I think so. I believe that if we want to lead healthier and happier lives we have to be kind to ourselves and engage in personal and political conversations about what mothers need.

The post From Pregnancy to Motherhood: North American Culture Shock appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

It is rational to tell ourselves that of course he/she can try it for a bit and if it’s not working they can always switch. But that doesn’t take care of that nagging question: What if I make the wrong decision and my child suffers as a result?  And because we can’t control for every contingency, it makes us want to hunker down and do just that.

Why is that?

I think it’s because it’s hard sometimes to separate out our own experience from our child’s.  We love our kids so much that at times it seems like they are us. This isn’t a bad thing but it can cause us some heartache.

In their book, “Parenting from The Inside Out,” Mary Hartzell and Daniel J. Siegel offer a gentle approach for parents to wonder compassionately about the impact of their own upbringing and experiences. This manner of seeing one’s self can help bring some calming perspective to the fore.

For example, if Johnny’s upcoming high school decision feels like an ever-tightening vise around your neck it might be a good idea to get back in touch with your own high school story.

Find a way to release that pain by talking to someone you trust, writing it down, or going out or a run. Becoming more aware and creating space for yourself will allow you to let go of some of the anxiety about the decision.

Following this gentle course can be helpful because no one is asking you to change (unless you want to) just that you be curious and begin to notice more about what you are feeling.

Then, take a good look at your child because it could be that they are going to be absolutely fine. And if and when that changes, a less stressed out you will be available so them so the two of you can talk it over and explore what to do together.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice. I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

The post Decisions, decisions appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

Why are we inundated by these messages that seem designed to undermine our feeling of security as parents? My guess is it fuels the need to buy more books.

Let me suggest taking a more gentle and integrative long view instead. The next time your child gets upset and/or starts screaming or crying inconsolably, try to notice what You are feeling.

For example, maybe you grew up in a house where the unwritten rule was, ‘strong emotions are not welcome here.’ or, maybe there was a lot of anger in your house and hearing yelling of any kind makes you uncomfortable? If yes, then listening to a lot of crying or anger might really stress you out.

We all get mad, sad, and glad. Developing an awareness about our own feelings can help bring down the anxiety level in any fraught situation. Once you start noticing how you feel when certain emotions come to the forefront there will be more space for you to act without reacting.

Becoming familiar with our own feelings also helps us to trust in ourselves.  This way we can demonstrate to our kids that all feelings are okay and its what we do with our feelings that matters.

So the next time a new parenting publicity junket gets launched, maybe we can decide to just skip it and tune into ourselves instead.

A little about me

Like most of us, I wear many hats. In addition to being a therapist, (more about that below) I am also a mom of two school-aged kids, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.  I believe that we need to be kind to ourselves as we do the important job of parenting. Taking care of ourselves is the best investment we can make for us and for our family.

What do all those letters mean?

I am a licensed independent clinical social worker (LICSW) who works with parents in my NW DC private practice . I am also trained in family systems therapy which views each of us as individuals within our family system. What this means is that we are all doing the best we can and that we are affected by each other’s behavior. Understanding our own self within the context of our family (your current one and the one you grew up in) is the best way to effect change and ensure growth.

The post All feelings are okay, it’s what we do with our feelings that matters appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

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