Photo: Juliane Liebermann

It’s 9 PM and you’re exhausted after a busy work and parenting day. Lately, it’s been getting harder to get the kids to sleep on time and you feel like your partner isn’t helping you the way you’d like. You’re feeling stressed, unsupported and angry.

It can be tough to shift our way of communicating because most of us rely on complaining or criticizing when we want something to change. This does not usually lead to a peaceful solution or one where everyone feels heard/understood. So how can we get what we need?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

One helpful resource is a communication process called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) also known as compassionate communication.  Marshall Rosenberg was the Founder and Director of The Center for Nonviolent Communication. Dr. Rosenberg found that to communicate effectively our purpose must shift. In other words, before change can happen, we must first make sure that everyone gets what they need.

Looking at needs and developing a literacy of what a need actually is is key. A need and the request you make to address that need feels very different from a preference you have which can sound to others like you’re making a demand.

Communicating with NVC

Let’s get back to the need you have for more support when trying to get the kids settled in at bedtime. Talking with your partner from a NVC perspective will require that you both to try not to fix, blame or problem-solve right away.

Set aside time (not at bedtime) for you both to express how you feel and ask your partner to listen with 
empathy. He or she can even mirror back what you say in order to make sure they have heard you correctly. Hearing our own words mirrored back can help us feel truly understood.

Perhaps there are reasons why your mate is not available to help you with the kids at bedtime? Setting aside your own reasons for why this is and listening to your spouse’s needs sets the stage for you to both to feel heard and understood.

Below are ten ways NVC skills can help you get your needs met:

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Should is a word to let go of                                  Image by Christina Mazzalupa

Should is a word to let go of

It’s a thread winding between expectation and identity

it adds to the fear of being found out as it watches us spin in our own heads

dividing us from heart and spirit

How did we learn to layer upon layer, the heft of guilt, responsibility and should?

Years of  self-talk that once again we have it all wrong and that if only we could

fit our square pegs into that perfect space we would be safe and accepted and whole

When actually……if we shine a light onto our should and challenge it by asking ‘why?’

We are sure to feel freer to feel the whole lot of messiness and joy coming next.

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Our daughter, Vida, is nearly three months old, and as a first-time parent I’ve experienced some amazing highs and painful lows.

I’ve learned a lot about myself — some have surprised me, others have reinforced things I already knew about myself. I’ve also seen some wonderful changes in my wife. I’m sure as Vida gets older the learning will only continue but I thought it might be helpful for other new dads to hear about my experience so far.

The thing that probably surprised me the most is that I didn’t bond nearly as quickly as I thought I would to the baby. For the first three weeks of Vida’s life, I didn’t feel the deep love and connection that I heard other new parents talk so passionately about — or that I thought I should have.

What I mostly felt was exhausted, irritable and overwhelmed. I thought I knew what tired was before having a baby, but I was way, way off. I kept waiting for all the good feelings to swoop in and overwhelm the bad, but it rarely happened the first few weeks. That’s when some guilt crept in, making matters worse.

So, outwardly, I told friends and family things like “We’re exhausted but doing great.” That was a lie. There were times I found myself angry and resentful towards the baby, something I never would’ve imagined — particularly because my wife and I endured so much to get to this point. (She and I went through three years of failed in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments and ultimately had to use an egg donor.)

In retrospect, maybe it was naive of me to think that the gratitude and relief I felt for finally having a baby would override any negative feelings about the day-to-day reality of having a baby.

Because the reality is that the first several weeks of fatherhood were a grind — feeding, burping, changing diapers, laundry, cleaning bottles, preparing new bottles. Not to mention being emotionally supportive of my wife and fending off well-meaning friends and family, who wanted to see the baby. And then having to do it all over again the next day. It had a Groundhog Day feel to it.

Several things made it easier: All the fantastic meals that our parents made for us, which eliminated the time and energy my wife and I would have to devote to meal preparation. Another is Vida’s much-improved sleep in the last four weeks. She is now fairly routinely sleeping six or seven continuous hours each night, which means my wife and I are more rested, energetic and happier.

One of the amazing things that happened around the eight week mark was Vida smiling at us, particularly when either me or my wife walked into the room. That, as my wife put it, was a “game changer.” Her recognizing us and interacting with us with that smile was overwhelming. It became like a drug, particularly for my wife, who would playfully ask, “Where’s that smile?”

Something else that surprised me was my lack of patience early on. I’ve always considered myself a fairly laid-back, roll-with-the-punches person but there have been a few moments, mainly due to lack of sleep, that I felt myself starting to “lose it.”  Thankfully, I have enough sense to either walk out of the room or hand the baby off to my wife, who has shown way more patience than me.

On a lighter note, probably the biggest thing that’s been reinforced for me is that I am terrible at assembling things. (I really can’t overstate this.) It took me over an hour to put together a Rock n’ Play, which is basically an upright swing. There were three poles that had to be put together. My wife looked on with equal parts amusement and pity as I jammed things together that clearly didn’t fit. A fifth-grader probably could have figured it out in less time than it took me.

There are plenty of things I was noticing about myself but there were some changes in my wife as well. Since Vida was born she has become more assertive and more willing to delegate tasks to me or family members, things she previously had difficulty doing. Seeing her as a more powerful version of herself has made me feel closer to her. Frankly, it’s a turn on.

There have also been some truly touching moments, as when I’ve come home from work and seen my wife and Vida asleep together on the sofa, Vida cradled comfortably in my wife’s arms. I’ve just stared at the beauty of that.

So, a few words of wisdom to new dads or soon-to-be dads: It’s OK if you don’t immediately bond with your baby; the first several weeks are tough and you will often feel like a zombie; plow through and cherish the beautiful moments because those will make it all worthwhile.

David Sternberg, LICSW, is director of DC Talk Therapy, a psychotherapy group practice in Woodley Park.

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Mindfulness can help us in any moment: even in times of transition

Transitions happen all the time. Schools out. Summer’s here. Vacations, camp, back-to-school, moving, sleep schedules, birthdays, illness. All of these shifts can throw a person off kilter. Trying to get back to center where equanimity reigns can feel like an uphill battle.

So many of us instinctively push away our strong feelings because they seem scary and uncomfortable. Tara Brach talks about meeting life where it is.  She shares that interestingly, the best way to navigate change might be to simply notice what you are feeling.

I like to think of this as becoming more awake. Some people call it mindfulness or being in the present moment. Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose in the present moment and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.

Maybe our goal doesn’t have to be to get back to where we were when things were good or easy or known. Instead, we can start to notice what we feel and where in our body we experience our strongest emotions. Knowing we don’t actually have to “do” anything, fix it, or be “better” can come as a huge relief.

Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance outlines this practice beautifully.  Experimenting with connecting thoughts to sensation and feeling can help us live in this moment even if it is a moment of transition.

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What makes you feel alive?  What allows you to be connected to your true self? For some, it is singing or dancing when no one is watching. It could also be reading, swimming in the ocean, stargazing, running, enjoying spa time, or eating fresh strawberries.  Others may relish old traditions kept alive: Baking bread, knitting, family dinners, or making art.  All of these activities involve the action of creating directly or indirectly for ourselves.

Sometimes we, as mothers, are so busy with all of our responsibilities that we can get disconnected from our true selves.  We may begin to view life from an intellectual or pragmatic place where we over-think or rationalize the same scripts over and over in our heads.

We tend to put everyone’s needs before ours because that is what mothers, wives, single parents, or outstanding employees are supposed to do (no matter how tired or burnt out we are).

The mom wars of our time seem to reinforce this script that no matter what path of motherhood you choose, someone may find fault with you.

From internal and external pressures and criticisms, we can see our brilliant light dimming.  We don’t make time for ourselves or for the pastimes or activities that help us to feel alive.  We then experience less joy, satisfaction, contentment, and equanimity in our daily lives and relationships.

What can we do to bring our hearts and minds closer together?  The creative process supports both those who have the words and those who don’t. Art therapy provides a healing space for children, teens, and adults alike to connect with images, the creative process, and words to better understand how and why they are feeling disconnected.

Art Therapy helps people who struggle with anxiety, depression, grief & loss, trauma, chronic illness, relationship issues, major life changes, and decision-making. It is practiced in schools, hospitals, wellness centers, the military, and in mental health centers. It is important to note that you don’t need to be artistic to benefit from art therapy.

Art therapists are master’s level credentialed clinicians with training in counseling and art.  They offer various mediums (e.g., paint, digital photography, sewing, sculpture, etc.) to help their clients create solutions for the hows and whys of their lives.

Recently, I met with a mother who was feeling unfulfilled and overworked.  She began reconnecting to her hopes and wishes through talking and exploring metaphors in watercolors.  The fluidity of the watercolor medium helped this mother to make decisions for herself and family that flowed with balance and joy most of the time.

Another woman contacted me because she was feeling anxious about returning to the work force after being home with her child for some time.  She was stuck in feelings of guilt and anxiety about her home and work balance.  Through exploring a variety of art mediums, this mother used the art making process and her personal metaphors and imagery to feel more grounded and balanced in her everyday life.

Tapping into the creative process can help you reconnect with your authentic self. Try it to discover how your heart and mind can work together to live a life filled with possibilities.

Amy Tatsumi is a mother, art therapist, and licensed professional counselor.  She provides children, teens, and adults with individual counseling, groups, and supervision in her Washington, DC practice. Amy helps people create the life they want.

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There is an incredible new Scorsese documentary about George Harrison called, Living in the Material World out on DVD this month. The film itself is magical and seamless; filled with never before seen footage and interviews.

Harrison, who found his way to meditation and touched so many people’s lives with his generosity of spirit said in 1974, “Everybody’s looking for something…. We don’t have to look anywhere–it’s right there within.”

Like all of us, Harrison had many parts to him. He was a spiritual person; a seeker, a gardener, a musician, a race car enthusiast, a dark comic, a father, a husband, and a friend. He was self-contained and giving at the same time; a beautiful balancing act to behold.

But it was watching the home movie footage of Harrison with his son, Dhani (named after the sixth and seventh notes of the Indian music scale) that made me think about the process and duality of helping our children to grow and at once letting them go.

We may be gripped with loss as we set them loose to go to new schools, camps, trips, college, and the great beyond . But that is our charge and our joy to watch our kids leave us.

While it is sad to know that George Harrison died at the young age of 58. He was at peace and his legacy lives on after him. His son, Dhani says, “[My dad] was a very interesting guy. I’m still learning from him.”

.

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As parents, it can be hard to hold these emotions because it just feels like too much sometimes. Or, it could be that our own anxiety gets activated which can make it doubly hard to contain a set of charged feelings. But there are ways to tackle this very common problem. Below is a mind – body toolkit to support kids with their intense feelings:

• Images and imagery are wonderful tools to help children calm down and relax. Ask your child to think of a picture of an animal or a place or something that helps her relax. You can remind your child to think of this image when they are feeling stressed.
• Try belly breathing together so your child can practice relaxing his or her body. Once they get the hang of it they can learn to breathe through an anxious or upset feeling.
• There are also many wonderful guided imagery CDs your child can listen to practice relaxing and feeling calm.
• Create or buy a feelings chart so you and your family can talk about all the feelings you may have had in a given day. Read stories like My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss or The Feelings Book by Todd Parr so your child can develop their feelings vocabulary.
• Ask your child to draw how he or she feels so they can get some of it out and down on paper.
• Try role playing – a great way for kids to act out their concerns. Parents and even
  siblings can act out a problem to its resolution. This is especially useful with separation issues, school issues, bullying/cliques.

Research shows that telling the story of what happened can help a child process and let go of a stressful incident.  Developing a vocabulary of feeling words and creating space to calm down the mind and body will help support you and your child. Each time your child tries out one of these tools, his or her brain will be learning new ways to cope with their intense feelings.

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Recently, I interviewed Linda Ryden, who heads up the Teaching Peace program at Lafayette Elementary School in NW DC. Teaching Peace is a weekly special (like music or art) for kids in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th grades where they learn about kindness, responsibility, conflict resolution, mindfulness and appreciating our diversity.

Linda relayed some of her thoughts on Teaching Peace and bullying prevention, “My goal with the whole Peace program at Lafayette is to create a culture of kindness. The two most important factors in preventing bullying at school are changing the school climate and allotting class time to social emotional learning. Most bullying takes place during lunch or recess when children are not with their classroom teachers.  At Lafayette we have so many clubs in addition to Peace Club, there is really something for everyone.  I would also encourage parents to talk to their kids about the role of bystanders in bullying.”

Linda explains that few children will readily admit to bullying someone, but the fact is that bullying only happens because adults and children are letting it happen. Kids who feel connected at school are much less likely to bully, to be passive bystanders of bullying and to become victims of bullying.

She suggests that parents encourage their children to get involved, to find groups or clubs that interest them so they can develop a little community within the community at school.

It is also vital that parents talk with kids about how they can use their power to help others. Below are some ideas for what kids can do when they see someone being teased or picked on:

• Refuse to laugh when someone is teasing
• Stand next to someone who is being picked on or teased
• Help the victim move away from the situation
• Make sure to include someone if they notice they are usually all alone.

There is no absolute way to protect our children from every danger, but fostering a dialogue with our kids about what they see and do on the playground and at recess is an important start.  Connecting to our own feelings, memories, and experiences of growing up is another way we can help.  Sharing and listening to pertinent stories paves the way for our kids to feel more confident should an issue of bullying present itself.

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Upon arrival, you congratulate yourself for being on time with two relatively cheerful kids in tow. As you walk towards the classroom a little, “note to self” begins to tug at your brain. Oh dear, today was your turn to bring in the snack for your child’s class and you completely forgot.

We’ve all been there and done that but what is most important here isn’t the forgotten snack. It’s what you tell yourself about it.  Do you say, “How could I have done that? That was so stupid”? or, “Now, I’ve let everyone down”?

Not everyone does do this, but for some of us it’s hard to let go when we make a mistake and we beat ourselves up when we do.

Why is this so important? We may not even realize we are doing it, but when we screw up or forget something and then think negative thoughts, it does NOT HELP AT ALL.

There are steps to take to combat those pesky automatic negative thoughts. But what can be useful right off the bat is to simply note when we tell ourselves things that are not very kind or useful. Noticing when these thoughts occur and changing them from negative to neutral or positive ones starts with mindful awareness.

It may take some time to get the hang of it but you will never be short on opportunities to practice. You can even experiment with mindfulness with your kids by taking a short field trip into your backyard. Lie in the grass together and talk about thoughts that move like clouds through the sky. Even if you are not feeling so relaxed yourself, this time in will be good practice for both of you.

Over time, your thoughts will become less automatic as you develop the ability to really know what you are telling yourself. So the next time you make a mistake, try talking to yourself with words that hold no judgment or pain. You will rest easier in mindful awareness.

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Work, fun, and leisure time used to be relatively easy to balance.  But as a new mom, it can be tough adjusting to feeling a lack of control, sleep deprivation, and hardly a minute to yourself. What can you do to take care of You while taking care of your new little one? Have a look at the tips below to learn more and see that a lot depends on the messages we send ourselves:

1.  Manage your expectations. You know that saying, “Rome was not built in a day?” Well, the house does not have to be neat and tidy just because it used to be, pre-baby. Now, you are expending a lot of energy in other areas so letting go of standards about how something should look or be is a key component to new motherhood.

2. Pay attention to what you are telling yourself.  Try to notice (without judgment) what you are telling yourself. Are you saying things like, “I don’t know how to do this” or, “why is it so hard for me to get out of the house?” If yes, you need to try to create more space for self-care by replacing those thoughts with some neutral or positive ones. Try saying things like, “I am learning more about myself and my baby every day” or, “Everyone needs a break sometimes so they can relax and recharge.” If you find it hard to let go of critical self-talk, ask yourself, ‘would I talk to a friend this way?’

3. Take a deep breath into your belly, let it out slowly and note what you are feeling (anxiety, tension, anger, or sadness) and where (in my chest, my stomach, my jaw) you might be feeling it. This exercise helps to root you in the present moment and surprisingly, will make you feel more in control of things because you are developing valuable self-awareness skills.

4. Choose a phrase or mantra that has meaning to you to use during stressful times. For example, when the baby cries and is not calming right away, say to yourself, “It’s okay. This will pass.” Or, conjure up an image of a place that makes you feel peaceful inside. This could be a place you visit every summer or an imaginary island where you feel safe and secure. Use this with the deep belly breathing to connect what you are thinking to what you are feeling in your body.

5. Ask for help from your partner, friends, or family and/or hire help. This is absolutely essential. If you are home all day with your baby, make sure you have some time that is yours even if it is only a few minutes a day to walk around the block or sit on a bench and look at the clouds go by.

6. Exercise and connecting with other new moms are other great ways to take care of you. Being a mom is a whole new identity to get used to and it takes time to adjust to the change. Exploring ways to take care of yourself is the gift you can give to yourself that keeps on giving. Try it and see!

Below are some terrific resources for new moms in the DC area:

Mojo Mom – Book and website by Amy Tiemann

Mindful Motherhood – Book and website by Cassandra Vieten

Stroller Strides – A total fitness program for moms and their babies

Lil Omm Yoga – Yoga and more for the whole family

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