By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Associate Editor, PsychCentral.com

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When someone is struggling, we might be at a loss for how to help. We want to reach out. But we’re worried we’ll do or say the wrong thing. So we don’t do anything. Or maybe we have a track record of saying or doing the wrong things. Either way, the result is the same — we keep to ourselves.

Psychotherapist Lena Aburdene Derhally, MS, LPC, worked in oncology for years. She noted that the best way we can support someone who’s grieving is simply by being there.

The same is true for most things someone is struggling with — whether your friend is having marital problems, your cousin had a miscarriage or an acquaintance opens up about being overwhelmed.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., stressed the importance of listening with empathy. Empathy is key for meaningful relationships. And it’s a skill we can learn. Kogan cited the four attributes of empathy, identified by nursing scholar Teresa Wiseman. Researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown incorporated Wiseman’s definition in her own work. Brown writes about empathy in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power.

Seeing the world as others see it. According to Brown, “we must be willing to recognize and acknowledge our own lens and attempt to see the situation that someone is experiencing through her lens.” Being non-judgmental. “Judging has become such a part of our thinking patterns that we are rarely even aware of why and how we do it,” Brown writes. However, judgment creates distance and disconnection, Kogan said. Non-judgment is a skill we can practice. It starts with ourselves. For instance, we can practice being non-judgmental by embracing ourselves when we make mistakes or don’t measure up to our expectations, Kogan said. We also can practice speaking to ourselves with compassion and realize that others are experiencing hard times like us, she said.

Understanding another’s feelings. In order to understand someone else’s feelings, we must be in touch with our own feelings, Brown writes. It’s important to have an understanding of emotions. But it’s also important to put aside our own “stuff,” or our own opinion when empathizing, Kogan said. Focus on what the person is feeling.
Communicating your understanding of their feelings. Brown shares this example in the book: Your friend tells you they feel like her marriage is falling apart. These kinds of responses don’t convey empathy: “Oh, no, you and Tim are a great couple — I’m sure everything will be fine,” or “At least you have a marriage. John and I haven’t had a real marriage for years.” This response does convey empathy: “I’m really sorry — that can be a very lonely place. Is there anything I can do?” Similarly, if your friend is going through a breakup, Derhally suggested listening and saying, “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.” According to Brown, in general, “at least” isn’t empathetic. Here’s another example: “I had a miscarriage.” “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
These are other helpful and not-so helpful strategies for support.

Be curious about the right thing.

Psychologist Dan Griffin, Ph.D, was working with a family whose father was accused of a terrible crime. During a session one of the adult kids mentioned an Irish saying that goes something like this: If the person is just interested in the story, they’re not your friend. If they’re interested in you, they are. In other words, to be truly supportive, focus on how the person is doing. Don’t ask for the dirt or sordid details.

Think of what’s helped — and not helped — you.

Griffin suggested picking three situations where you needed help and received the right kind of help. What were the common supportive factors? Maybe the person was fully present and didn’t judge you. Maybe they referred you to a helpful resource. Maybe they brought you food or flowers. Maybe they sat with you while you processed your pain.

Also, consider what wasn’t so helpful. Maybe they turned the conversation toward themselves and their issues. Maybe they focused on fiddling with their phone or watching TV.

Of course, everyone is different. But thinking about what’s helped you and what hasn’t may be a good place to start, he said.

Avoid silver linings.

“A major don’t is to try to create silver linings or attempt to fix something with words,” Derhally said. She recalled that during her time working in oncology, it was really difficult for people to hear statements like “everything happens for a reason.” It’s not necessary to come up with “words of wisdom,” she said.

Avoid giving advice.

Unless you’re asked for it, avoid giving advice, Kogan said. When you give advice, you’re communicating what the other person should do instead of giving them the space to discuss how they feel, she said. “For this reason, advice giving often shuts down the conversation because the person does not feel heard.”

Check in regularly.

Let the person know that you’re thinking about them, and you’re available if they want to talk, Derhally said.

Again, the best thing you can do for someone who’s struggling with anything is listen. Give them your full attention. Put down the gadgets. As Griffin said, leaving your phone in another room is a small gesture with a profound meaning.

It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to say the right thing, especially if you’ve messed up before. But, as Kogan said, it’s perfectly OK to say: “I just don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.”

The post How to Help Someone Going Through a Tough Time appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

12/1/14

Here are Some Great ways to Bond with Your Partner by Our Friend Jen Kogan

Many of us who have kids remember the early years as a sleep-deprived time accompanied by unavoidable squabbles with our mate. This is confirmed in research which reveals that 67% of couples become unhappy with their relationship during the first three years of their child’s life. Often, it takes couples at least six years before they look for help in finding their way back to each other.

John Gottman, PhD found that couples can start to lose their bond once a baby arrives due to the amount of work which increases tremendously along with lack of sleep. Gottman offers practical solutions to help couples communicate and handle conflict more effectively. Chief among his suggestions are avoiding criticism, upping your appreciation of each other, and trying not to get caught in needing to be right.

Whether it has been weeks, months or years since you felt truly understood or connected to your mate, there is much to hope for. Once a couple names the problem and takes steps to work on their relationship they can move from primarily dissatisfied to feeling mostly content. Sometimes this takes a commitment to couples counseling but sometimes all it takes is a shift in perception.

Often men and women literally miss each other because they have such different operating systems. Generally, women feel closer in relationship through words and conversation. Men connect through the course of action or activities.

In order to set you both up for success, why not try something different from your typical date night out at a restaurant which can feel too intense or prescribed to some. Sharing special moments doing something together creates new memories to draw upon.

Because DC is such a busy town, you may need to get creative with when you go (afternoon coffee can be just as fun as drinks out on the town) and who watches the kids if sitters are hard to come by (enlist a friend, neighbor or fellow parent you can help out next week-end).

Check out Gottman’s Sound Relationship House to learn more about staying connected as you raise a family. See below for some fun, local activities you can try together to strengthen your bond:

Check out a Comedy Show

Create some art together

Tour and appreciate art and cocktails together

Head out to an independent bookstore to browse and have coffee

Pack a picnic and go to: National Cathedral Bishop’s Garden

Watch airplanes take off and land at Gravelly Point Park

Bike, Hike, kayak at the C & O Canal

Explore Rock Creek park

Head out to the theater together

Go to a concert

Go Caps!

Take a cooking class together

Go to the movies and toast each other at the same time.

Brought to you by Jen Kogan, LICSW—a psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples who are parents in her NW DC private practice.

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by Paul Sullivan

Easing the Transition From One Nanny to the Next

Over  the last 12 years, Donna Levin has come to know exactly what she needs in a nanny: someone on her way to or in graduate school who has an interest in children and a flexible class schedule.

But given that demographic, she also knows there is going to be a lot of turnover. Most of her nannies stay for a little over a year, she said, and the one she has now, a pre-med student, will depart in a few weeks.

“The current transition is one of those very positive yet painful transitions,” said Ms. Levin, who lives in Newton, Mass.

Like many people who employ nannies, she said other transitions have been rough. Some were because her children were really attached to a caregiver, like the nannies who loved the Boston Red Sox as her son, 12, does. She imagines her daughter, 5, will miss this nanny because they have a special bond over arts and crafts.

Lindsay Heller, who calls herself the Nanny Doctor, tries to foster open dialogue in what can sometimes be a tricky relationship. But there have been other times when the nanny left in a rush — or was rushed out — and Ms. Levin had to explain to her children why someone who seemed to care so deeply for them was gone.

This is the time of year when families and nannies typically part ways, as the summer nears an end and school is about to start. A lot gets written about the nuts and bolts of hiring and firing a nanny (including by me). But most of the focus is on issues that can be resolved if people remember the three P’s: Pay nannies fairly, pay their taxes and pay attention.

The more complex issues are how the departures are handled within the family. Younger children do not understand that the person who read to them, bathed them and snuggled them was being paid to do so. And, as a paid employee, a nanny is free to quit like anyone else.

What makes the transition difficult, of course, is that nannies work in the home and come to know their employers’ children as well as anyone. They are employees, but over the time the boundaries slip and they can seem more like a family member.

“I’ve sometimes been quite surprised interviewing employers about how much animus and negativity parents can bring to the situation of a nanny leaving,” said Julia Wrigley, university provost at the City University of New York and the author of “Other People’s Children” (Basic Books, 1995). “It’s the personalized nature of the relationship. They may have had the nanny for a long time and gotten comfortable.”

While the notion of finding a Mary Poppins who will be with children from birth to college is largely outdated, many parents cling to it. Most anyone with the means to hire a nanny and the desire to have the flexibility promised by one-on-one child care needs to realize that the nanny, however beloved, is going to leave at some point.

Ms. Wrigley, in her research, found that children largely acclimated to new caregivers. The toughest transition was the first time a child realized a nanny was leaving because it disrupted the child’s sense of permanence.

“I interviewed two sisters, and one of them, once her nanny left, she wondered if her sister would be the next to go,” Ms. Wrigley said. “She hadn’t figured out the boundaries of the family.”

Children who had many nannies grew jaded. “The child came to expect it,” she said. “They stopped investing so much in the caregivers.”

Still, most parents — and caregivers, for that matter — don’t want to cause unnecessary distress to children. Nor do parents want the previous nanny’s departure to complicate the job of the next nanny. It’s a difficult balance to attain.

A nanny is going to depart for three reasons: The children she was caring for are older and in school; she finds a better job; or she is fired. All three can be handled smoothly.

Lindsay Heller, a clinical psychologist in Beverly Hills who is known as the Nanny Doctor, said that in the best cases the nanny’s departure was known for weeks, if not months, and the children had time to ask questions and understand why she was leaving. Even better for the children is when the departing nanny stays for a few weeks to train the new one — though she said that is rare.

In good departures, maybe the nanny and the children stay in touch. If not, the children at least understand that it’s not their fault that the nanny is leaving.

(While it’s common to change nannies as the school year starts, Ms. Heller said that was a bad time for the children. “The change would happen ideally before the transition into school or months after that, because the transition into school is stressful,” she said.)

Most of all, parents need to take themselves out of what is usually a stressful situation and help their children through their feelings. “You need to talk about what the nanny did for us,” said Jennifer Kogan, who counsels parents and children around Washington. “She made us feel comfortable and safe and helped us with dinner and put us to bed. Those are all things that we’ll miss. But it’s important for nanny to go and help other people.”

Like employers and employees in any job, parents and nannies don’t always handle a departure in the most mature way. But children will look to their parents for clues about how to react and, more deeply, how to treat people.

This is where parents need to rise above their anger at a caregiver and remember that they, too, have probably changed jobs in their careers.

“Even if it wasn’t a positive experience, there was still a connection with your child,” said Ms. Levin, who is a co-founder of Care.com, a website that matches families and caregivers. “It’s one of those life lessons, like transitioning classrooms or teams that they’re going to go through.”

Ms. Heller said children could experience behavioral changes for up to six months after a caregiver’s departure. If they are toilet-trained, they may regress. If they are calm, they may start having tantrums.

“When the bottom drops out, and someone is not there, that can be a very scary time,” she said. “They didn’t choose this.”

To handle it, parents need to offer emotional support and help their children talk about their feelings, she said.

Ms. Kogan suggested that parents encourage their children to write to a departed nanny, even if the parents have no intention of mailing the notes. “Drawing for kids taps into some other part of them that, without words, helps them process things,” she said.

Since most people who lose a nanny under bad circumstances must hire another one, how the previous nanny left will determine how the new one is received.

In the short term, that will determine whether the children listen to the nanny and develop a bond that is essential for the person charged with not just educating a child but keeping that child safe.

For the parents on nanny No. 2, 3 or 10, the problem of second-guessing their choice grows with each one. Dr. Heller said parents had to do their best to train a nanny and then trust their choice. “If your child is reacting to the caregiver, it doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong nanny,” she said. “It means it’s a difficult transition to a new person. There is going to be some pushback.”

And while most nannies mesh with a family within three months, parents need to take the time to work with the nanny and the children, or they could find themselves in the same predicament again, sooner than they would like.

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Ann Turner and her two daughters. (Family photo)

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Nadia Monroe and her daughter (Nadia Monroe – family photo)

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(Courtesy of IFFP)

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