time Archives - Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW

10 Ways Families Can Cultivate Their Connection

Jennifer Kogan — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 15:03:30 +0000

By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Associate Editor, PsychCentral.com

Psychotherapist Jenifer Hope, LCPC, has worked with many families whose biggest concern is detachment. They feel as though they’re forgetting who their loved ones really are. They don’t have time to get to know their children. “They feel isolated within their own family because everyone is so busy, that there is no actual family time,” she said.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., also sees a shortage of time as the biggest obstacle for families in connecting.

“It doesn’t take much for families to become detached,” Hope said. Most parents commute at least 20 minutes each day. Kids need time to do their homework and participate in extracurricular activities. Add on time for self-care, errands and responsibilities, and there isn’t much time left for family.

But there are many ways families can get closer. Below are 10 tips to try.

1. Pick two.

Hope often suggests her clients pick no more than two activities for their kids to participate in outside of school, and try to schedule one on a Saturday. “That way you are not spending every evening driving kids everywhere,” and you have a lighter load during the week, she said.

2. Hold family meetings.

Families can use these meetings to plan the upcoming week and talk about their values, Kogan said. Every family member has a voice and a say in these meetings.

For instance, families can talk about volunteering, planning upcoming holidays and even explore a problem someone is having at school, work or home, she said.

Family meetings “help families forge bonds and models teamwork at the same time.”

3. Gather around the table.

Eat together once a week and once on the weekend, said Hope, who practices at Urban Balance, which provides comprehensive counseling services in the Chicago area. This can be dinner but it doesn’t have to be. It could be a family breakfast, Kogan said.

Eating together helps parents to “interact with their children and ask them about their day,” Hope said.

4. Have one-on-one time with your kids.

If you have more than one child, Hope suggested scheduling time with each one. This could include everything from going out for breakfast to going to the library and reading books together, she said.

“By spending alone time with each child, you are creating memories and an opportunity to reconnect and bond.”

Hope and her husband have twins. Once a month one twin stays at the grandparents’ house while Hope and her husband spend the day with the other (and vice versa).

5. Practice mindfulness together.

Mindfulness simply means focusing one’s attention on the present moment in an accepting, nonjudgmental way. It’s a skill that boosts well-being and helps individuals handle stress more effectively, Kogan said.

“Practicing mindfulness as a family can help everyone share in an experience that evokes feelings of calmness, contentment and warmth with each other.”

Kogan suggested trying this exercise:

Go outside in the backyard together, sit down on the lawn and close your eyes. Depending on how old your kids are, see if you can all close your eyes for 2-5 minutes and then talk about what you noticed. Did you hear a rustling of the leaves, a bird chirp, a dog bark?

Kogan also recommended these resources: the book Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids and Their Parents by Eline Snell and the CD “Indigo Ocean Dreams” by Lori Lite.

6. Create a family crest.

Kogan suggested drawing a family crest together and discussing what your family stands for. Brainstorm what your family cares about. For instance, include “respect for others” and “listening and supporting others,” along with examples, Kogan said.

7. Carve out time as a couple.

Hope stressed the importance of couples taking time to reconnect and focus on their marriage. “If mom and dad are not connecting, the kids feel it and do the same.”

If you’re pressed for time, she suggested sneaking in lunches together or putting the kids to bed 30 minutes earlier once a week. This gives you time to watch a movie or savor a cup of tea and be quiet together.

8. Model healthy communication.

Kogan also noted that parents set the tone for their family. “If they can reconnect to each other and model how they communicate and handle conflict effectively, this sets the stage for the whole family.”

Often parents don’t want to argue in front of their kids, she said. But it helps kids to see how to resolve differences in healthy ways. For instance, you might use “I” statements, not blame each other, take turns listening and end your talk with a hug, Kogan said.

9. Consider what you can cut out for connection.

Hope was working with a family who found it helpful to cancel cable for a month. They spent that time playing board games and reading books as a family, which made them feel much closer, she said.

10. Limit screen time.

Another family limits the number of hours they spend on their computers, smartphones and iPad. They also turn off this technology at a certain time in the evenings.

“This helped them reconnect because the parents were not always on their phones doing work emails or Pinterest and the children were no longer engulfed by their iPads or playing video games,” Hope said. “They actually had to talk to each other!”

Familial connections have to be maintained. Hope likened it to a car needing a checkup or tuneup. “Families are no different. You have to put in the effort and time in order to remain connected.”

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How to Reconnect and Have Fun With Your Mate

Jennifer Kogan — Tue, 09 Dec 2014 23:12:16 +0000

Posted in Activity Rocket‘s blog

12/1/14

Here are Some Great ways to Bond with Your Partner by Our Friend Jen Kogan

Many of us who have kids remember the early years as a sleep-deprived time accompanied by unavoidable squabbles with our mate. This is confirmed in research which reveals that 67% of couples become unhappy with their relationship during the first three years of their child’s life. Often, it takes couples at least six years before they look for help in finding their way back to each other.

John Gottman, PhD found that couples can start to lose their bond once a baby arrives due to the amount of work which increases tremendously along with lack of sleep. Gottman offers practical solutions to help couples communicate and handle conflict more effectively. Chief among his suggestions are avoiding criticism, upping your appreciation of each other, and trying not to get caught in needing to be right.

Whether it has been weeks, months or years since you felt truly understood or connected to your mate, there is much to hope for. Once a couple names the problem and takes steps to work on their relationship they can move from primarily dissatisfied to feeling mostly content. Sometimes this takes a commitment to couples counseling but sometimes all it takes is a shift in perception.

Often men and women literally miss each other because they have such different operating systems. Generally, women feel closer in relationship through words and conversation. Men connect through the course of action or activities.

In order to set you both up for success, why not try something different from your typical date night out at a restaurant which can feel too intense or prescribed to some. Sharing special moments doing something together creates new memories to draw upon.

Because DC is such a busy town, you may need to get creative with when you go (afternoon coffee can be just as fun as drinks out on the town) and who watches the kids if sitters are hard to come by (enlist a friend, neighbor or fellow parent you can help out next week-end).

Check out Gottman’s Sound Relationship House to learn more about staying connected as you raise a family. See below for some fun, local activities you can try together to strengthen your bond:

Check out a Comedy Show

Create some art together

Tour and appreciate art and cocktails together

Head out to an independent bookstore to browse and have coffee

Pack a picnic and go to: National Cathedral Bishop’s Garden

Watch airplanes take off and land at Gravelly Point Park

Bike, Hike, kayak at the C & O Canal

Explore Rock Creek park

Head out to the theater together

Go to a concert

Go Caps!

Take a cooking class together

Go to the movies and toast each other at the same time.

Brought to you by Jen Kogan, LICSW—a psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples who are parents in her NW DC private practice.

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Mother’s Self-Renewal: Tuning into Your Creative Bliss

Jennifer Kogan — Mon, 03 Sep 2012 08:18:36 +0000

Remember You before age 11 or 12? Your child self had all the time in the world to dream and explore interests and hobbies.

These days as we mother, it may feel like that high energy and exuberance is on some kind of semi-permanent hiatus. You might be asking yourself, “What happened to the part of me that used to draw, paint, write, turn cartwheels, scrapbook, play in the mud, and dream?”

Just what happens to our creative bliss during the years we are immersed in child rearing?

Trying to meet everyone’s needs and tend to little bodies and souls can feel overwhelming. Sometimes, it can be hard to think beyond the next meal or play date or bedtime.

Back when my own kids were tykes, I knew I had to catch a break somewhere. I had to occasionally go to a movie, out for coffee, or on a walk with a friend. Scoring some uninterrupted time to read The New Yorker felt like heaven. For me, having a regular connection with a friend or losing myself in a story helped me recharge so I had more energy to give.

How do we lose sight of this? I think it is because the minute our babies are born, the focus shifts away from ourselves and onto our baby. This lack of care for mothers appears to be built in to our culture but we don’t have to buy into this message.

We don’t have to wait for our kids to grow up before we pay attention to what makes us feel the most alive.

Last January, I was fortunate to meet some amazing women who took a six-month mother’s self renewal journey with me. All of us moms have kids of different ages (ranging from babies to teens) but our common thread was we all felt ready to reconnect with ourselves.

Being a part of this mother’s circle inside the wonderful, safe space at lil omm yoga made me feel strong, united, brave, creative, and reenergized. Each month we cheered each other on as we tried introducing something new and enriching into our lives.

This September, I look forward to beginning a new Mother’s Self-Renewal Group that will meet for three months instead of six. Time is always a consideration for mothers; I think the new format will work well. Will you join me for some self-renewal?

If your time is short, consider adding in one activity you used to enjoy or have always wanted to try. Watch your mood and energy recharge as you tune into yourself.

We don’t have to wait to reconnect with ourselves. We can do it right now.

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Time for a ‘Time in’

Jennifer Kogan — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 01:10:31 +0000

Time. It’s what many of us parents need more of these days. The hours in a day compress into a persistent ticking on an internal timepiece as we try to pack it all in. Like you, I treasure time with my family but this doesn’t stop me from measuring that time.

When things start to get too busy we can start to feel a little unmoored. Nothing too terrible happens but we may become a little less patient as we rush through the day. We know we will have to stop working (writing, painting, emailing, solving, meeting, etc.) before we are quite ready to because it’s time for homework, dinner, and bedtime routines.

We are welcome to pick up where we left off once everyone else is asleep a la midnight moms. But is that how I want to use my time?

What I know about this is that every day is different. Sometimes I may need to push through but other days I may need a “time in.”

Time in can be many things. For me, it is listening to guided imagery so my brain can relax and recharge. It is delightedly finding myself alone in my own house and just breathing for awhile. It is meeting someone for coffee so I can enjoy the care and attention of a dear friend.

These days it is easier for me to notice when I need a “time in” so my patience doesn’t get as tested. And of course, time in with family is also time well spent.

What can kind of “time in” would you enjoy?

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