parenting Archives - Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW

10 Ways Families Can Cultivate Their Connection

Jennifer Kogan — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 15:03:30 +0000

By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Associate Editor, PsychCentral.com

Psychotherapist Jenifer Hope, LCPC, has worked with many families whose biggest concern is detachment. They feel as though they’re forgetting who their loved ones really are. They don’t have time to get to know their children. “They feel isolated within their own family because everyone is so busy, that there is no actual family time,” she said.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., also sees a shortage of time as the biggest obstacle for families in connecting.

“It doesn’t take much for families to become detached,” Hope said. Most parents commute at least 20 minutes each day. Kids need time to do their homework and participate in extracurricular activities. Add on time for self-care, errands and responsibilities, and there isn’t much time left for family.

But there are many ways families can get closer. Below are 10 tips to try.

1. Pick two.

Hope often suggests her clients pick no more than two activities for their kids to participate in outside of school, and try to schedule one on a Saturday. “That way you are not spending every evening driving kids everywhere,” and you have a lighter load during the week, she said.

2. Hold family meetings.

Families can use these meetings to plan the upcoming week and talk about their values, Kogan said. Every family member has a voice and a say in these meetings.

For instance, families can talk about volunteering, planning upcoming holidays and even explore a problem someone is having at school, work or home, she said.

Family meetings “help families forge bonds and models teamwork at the same time.”

3. Gather around the table.

Eat together once a week and once on the weekend, said Hope, who practices at Urban Balance, which provides comprehensive counseling services in the Chicago area. This can be dinner but it doesn’t have to be. It could be a family breakfast, Kogan said.

Eating together helps parents to “interact with their children and ask them about their day,” Hope said.

4. Have one-on-one time with your kids.

If you have more than one child, Hope suggested scheduling time with each one. This could include everything from going out for breakfast to going to the library and reading books together, she said.

“By spending alone time with each child, you are creating memories and an opportunity to reconnect and bond.”

Hope and her husband have twins. Once a month one twin stays at the grandparents’ house while Hope and her husband spend the day with the other (and vice versa).

5. Practice mindfulness together.

Mindfulness simply means focusing one’s attention on the present moment in an accepting, nonjudgmental way. It’s a skill that boosts well-being and helps individuals handle stress more effectively, Kogan said.

“Practicing mindfulness as a family can help everyone share in an experience that evokes feelings of calmness, contentment and warmth with each other.”

Kogan suggested trying this exercise:

Go outside in the backyard together, sit down on the lawn and close your eyes. Depending on how old your kids are, see if you can all close your eyes for 2-5 minutes and then talk about what you noticed. Did you hear a rustling of the leaves, a bird chirp, a dog bark?

Kogan also recommended these resources: the book Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids and Their Parents by Eline Snell and the CD “Indigo Ocean Dreams” by Lori Lite.

6. Create a family crest.

Kogan suggested drawing a family crest together and discussing what your family stands for. Brainstorm what your family cares about. For instance, include “respect for others” and “listening and supporting others,” along with examples, Kogan said.

7. Carve out time as a couple.

Hope stressed the importance of couples taking time to reconnect and focus on their marriage. “If mom and dad are not connecting, the kids feel it and do the same.”

If you’re pressed for time, she suggested sneaking in lunches together or putting the kids to bed 30 minutes earlier once a week. This gives you time to watch a movie or savor a cup of tea and be quiet together.

8. Model healthy communication.

Kogan also noted that parents set the tone for their family. “If they can reconnect to each other and model how they communicate and handle conflict effectively, this sets the stage for the whole family.”

Often parents don’t want to argue in front of their kids, she said. But it helps kids to see how to resolve differences in healthy ways. For instance, you might use “I” statements, not blame each other, take turns listening and end your talk with a hug, Kogan said.

9. Consider what you can cut out for connection.

Hope was working with a family who found it helpful to cancel cable for a month. They spent that time playing board games and reading books as a family, which made them feel much closer, she said.

10. Limit screen time.

Another family limits the number of hours they spend on their computers, smartphones and iPad. They also turn off this technology at a certain time in the evenings.

“This helped them reconnect because the parents were not always on their phones doing work emails or Pinterest and the children were no longer engulfed by their iPads or playing video games,” Hope said. “They actually had to talk to each other!”

Familial connections have to be maintained. Hope likened it to a car needing a checkup or tuneup. “Families are no different. You have to put in the effort and time in order to remain connected.”

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Easing the Transition From One Nanny to the Next

Jennifer Kogan — Thu, 02 Oct 2014 00:03:46 +0000

Wealth Matters

by Paul Sullivan

Easing the Transition From One Nanny to the Next

Over the last 12 years, Donna Levin has come to know exactly what she needs in a nanny: someone on her way to or in graduate school who has an interest in children and a flexible class schedule.

But given that demographic, she also knows there is going to be a lot of turnover. Most of her nannies stay for a little over a year, she said, and the one she has now, a pre-med student, will depart in a few weeks.

“The current transition is one of those very positive yet painful transitions,” said Ms. Levin, who lives in Newton, Mass.

Like many people who employ nannies, she said other transitions have been rough. Some were because her children were really attached to a caregiver, like the nannies who loved the Boston Red Sox as her son, 12, does. She imagines her daughter, 5, will miss this nanny because they have a special bond over arts and crafts.

Lindsay Heller, who calls herself the Nanny Doctor, tries to foster open dialogue in what can sometimes be a tricky relationship. But there have been other times when the nanny left in a rush — or was rushed out — and Ms. Levin had to explain to her children why someone who seemed to care so deeply for them was gone.

This is the time of year when families and nannies typically part ways, as the summer nears an end and school is about to start. A lot gets written about the nuts and bolts of hiring and firing a nanny (including by me). But most of the focus is on issues that can be resolved if people remember the three P’s: Pay nannies fairly, pay their taxes and pay attention.

The more complex issues are how the departures are handled within the family. Younger children do not understand that the person who read to them, bathed them and snuggled them was being paid to do so. And, as a paid employee, a nanny is free to quit like anyone else.

What makes the transition difficult, of course, is that nannies work in the home and come to know their employers’ children as well as anyone. They are employees, but over the time the boundaries slip and they can seem more like a family member.

“I’ve sometimes been quite surprised interviewing employers about how much animus and negativity parents can bring to the situation of a nanny leaving,” said Julia Wrigley, university provost at the City University of New York and the author of “Other People’s Children” (Basic Books, 1995). “It’s the personalized nature of the relationship. They may have had the nanny for a long time and gotten comfortable.”

While the notion of finding a Mary Poppins who will be with children from birth to college is largely outdated, many parents cling to it. Most anyone with the means to hire a nanny and the desire to have the flexibility promised by one-on-one child care needs to realize that the nanny, however beloved, is going to leave at some point.

Ms. Wrigley, in her research, found that children largely acclimated to new caregivers. The toughest transition was the first time a child realized a nanny was leaving because it disrupted the child’s sense of permanence.

“I interviewed two sisters, and one of them, once her nanny left, she wondered if her sister would be the next to go,” Ms. Wrigley said. “She hadn’t figured out the boundaries of the family.”

Children who had many nannies grew jaded. “The child came to expect it,” she said. “They stopped investing so much in the caregivers.”

Still, most parents — and caregivers, for that matter — don’t want to cause unnecessary distress to children. Nor do parents want the previous nanny’s departure to complicate the job of the next nanny. It’s a difficult balance to attain.

A nanny is going to depart for three reasons: The children she was caring for are older and in school; she finds a better job; or she is fired. All three can be handled smoothly.

Lindsay Heller, a clinical psychologist in Beverly Hills who is known as the Nanny Doctor, said that in the best cases the nanny’s departure was known for weeks, if not months, and the children had time to ask questions and understand why she was leaving. Even better for the children is when the departing nanny stays for a few weeks to train the new one — though she said that is rare.

In good departures, maybe the nanny and the children stay in touch. If not, the children at least understand that it’s not their fault that the nanny is leaving.

(While it’s common to change nannies as the school year starts, Ms. Heller said that was a bad time for the children. “The change would happen ideally before the transition into school or months after that, because the transition into school is stressful,” she said.)

Most of all, parents need to take themselves out of what is usually a stressful situation and help their children through their feelings. “You need to talk about what the nanny did for us,” said Jennifer Kogan, who counsels parents and children around Washington. “She made us feel comfortable and safe and helped us with dinner and put us to bed. Those are all things that we’ll miss. But it’s important for nanny to go and help other people.”

Like employers and employees in any job, parents and nannies don’t always handle a departure in the most mature way. But children will look to their parents for clues about how to react and, more deeply, how to treat people.

This is where parents need to rise above their anger at a caregiver and remember that they, too, have probably changed jobs in their careers.

“Even if it wasn’t a positive experience, there was still a connection with your child,” said Ms. Levin, who is a co-founder of Care.com, a website that matches families and caregivers. “It’s one of those life lessons, like transitioning classrooms or teams that they’re going to go through.”

Ms. Heller said children could experience behavioral changes for up to six months after a caregiver’s departure. If they are toilet-trained, they may regress. If they are calm, they may start having tantrums.

“When the bottom drops out, and someone is not there, that can be a very scary time,” she said. “They didn’t choose this.”

To handle it, parents need to offer emotional support and help their children talk about their feelings, she said.

Ms. Kogan suggested that parents encourage their children to write to a departed nanny, even if the parents have no intention of mailing the notes. “Drawing for kids taps into some other part of them that, without words, helps them process things,” she said.

Since most people who lose a nanny under bad circumstances must hire another one, how the previous nanny left will determine how the new one is received.

In the short term, that will determine whether the children listen to the nanny and develop a bond that is essential for the person charged with not just educating a child but keeping that child safe.

For the parents on nanny No. 2, 3 or 10, the problem of second-guessing their choice grows with each one. Dr. Heller said parents had to do their best to train a nanny and then trust their choice. “If your child is reacting to the caregiver, it doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong nanny,” she said. “It means it’s a difficult transition to a new person. There is going to be some pushback.”

And while most nannies mesh with a family within three months, parents need to take the time to work with the nanny and the children, or they could find themselves in the same predicament again, sooner than they would like.

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Slowing it Down: Parenting in an Age of Anxiety

Jennifer Kogan — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 01:15:04 +0000

In DC (and in many other cities) there seems to be a lack of time. We are all rushing to work, school and back home again. What can we parents do to slow things down to be there for our kids and family? Read on to learn more in this article I wrote a while back for the National Association of Social Worker’s Help Starts Here.

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Holiday Advice For and From Divorced Parents

Jennifer Kogan — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 01:58:15 +0000

Ann Turner and her two daughters. (Family photo)

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How To Let Go Of Your Teenager

Jennifer Kogan — Fri, 16 Nov 2012 01:53:26 +0000

“Think about raising a kid who will be a happy 35-year-old: an adult who will be content with what they do, thrilled about their contribution, be hardworking, have social/emotional intelligence, and a collaborative spirit.” Ken Ginsburg , author of Letting Go of Love and Confidence. Check out my interview with him here in the Washington Post blog, On Parenting.

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Parenting Styles Often Colored By Our Own Childhoods

Jennifer Kogan — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 01:43:26 +0000

we bring our experiences from our first family, or our family of origin into our current family. Everyone does this. It doesn’t have to be seen as a negative as long as we are aware of what we are bringing to the table. Read more about this in a post I wrote for Thee Washington Post blog, On Parenting.

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Tweens and Teens Still Need Their Parents

Jennifer Kogan — Fri, 07 Sep 2012 01:42:21 +0000

Despite what you might have heard about needing to prepare for the day when your teen hates or rejects you, what you need to do is just shift a little in your thinking and get creative about how to forge new connections. Read more in this post I wrote for the Washington Post blog, On Parenting.

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Parents Can Meditate Too

Jennifer Kogan — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 01:38:45 +0000

What’s a parent to do to feel more balanced and in tune? Read more about how parents can practice mindfulness everyday in a post I wrote for The Washington Post blog, On Parenting.

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Mothers need to Let Go and Embrace The New Perfect

Jennifer Kogan — Fri, 06 Jul 2012 01:34:49 +0000

( Harlequin 2011 )

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Tired of Time out?

Jennifer Kogan — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 01:33:50 +0000

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