We real-life therapists get to see a different story. Sitting in my chair, I work with real people who show up (mostly) because they want to learn how to connect with their partner. They reach out because they feel worn down or scared by the force of their own reactions. They know they want things to be different. The process of couples therapy can help uncover the stories they’ve been lugging around for years.

These stories can feel weighty but they can also help forge connections. Asking a couple how they met can shed important light in an initial session.  Often, even the most disheartened pair will brighten as they tell their “love story.” The same can be true when mapping out each partner’s family tree with a genogram. For the speaker, it widens the lens to include a cast of many characters while simultaneously allowing their partner view him or her with compassion. A helpful spouse or partner can also help fill in the blanks or add perspective if conflict is not too high at the moment.

Another way stories can help us connect is with John Gottman’s concept of ‘love maps‘ Love maps help us acquire knowledge about each other’s inner world in a light-hearted way. Even if a couple has known each other since the first Bush administration, chances are there’s a lot more to discover now. Gottman suggests couples check out each other’s stories by asking open-ended questions. There is even a love map app couples can buy which offers a host of questions to ask. There is much individual work that lives inside couples therapy. Learning how to tune into your own story and develop strategies to manage and be with strong feelings is imperative. Equally important is knowing and accepting each others’ stories. Here in the real world where there is no commercial break, relationships flourish when one feels truly seen and heard by their mate.

The post Helping couples connect with stories appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

12/1/14

Here are Some Great ways to Bond with Your Partner by Our Friend Jen Kogan

Many of us who have kids remember the early years as a sleep-deprived time accompanied by unavoidable squabbles with our mate. This is confirmed in research which reveals that 67% of couples become unhappy with their relationship during the first three years of their child’s life. Often, it takes couples at least six years before they look for help in finding their way back to each other.

John Gottman, PhD found that couples can start to lose their bond once a baby arrives due to the amount of work which increases tremendously along with lack of sleep. Gottman offers practical solutions to help couples communicate and handle conflict more effectively. Chief among his suggestions are avoiding criticism, upping your appreciation of each other, and trying not to get caught in needing to be right.

Whether it has been weeks, months or years since you felt truly understood or connected to your mate, there is much to hope for. Once a couple names the problem and takes steps to work on their relationship they can move from primarily dissatisfied to feeling mostly content. Sometimes this takes a commitment to couples counseling but sometimes all it takes is a shift in perception.

Often men and women literally miss each other because they have such different operating systems. Generally, women feel closer in relationship through words and conversation. Men connect through the course of action or activities.

In order to set you both up for success, why not try something different from your typical date night out at a restaurant which can feel too intense or prescribed to some. Sharing special moments doing something together creates new memories to draw upon.

Because DC is such a busy town, you may need to get creative with when you go (afternoon coffee can be just as fun as drinks out on the town) and who watches the kids if sitters are hard to come by (enlist a friend, neighbor or fellow parent you can help out next week-end).

Check out Gottman’s Sound Relationship House to learn more about staying connected as you raise a family. See below for some fun, local activities you can try together to strengthen your bond:

Check out a Comedy Show

Create some art together

Tour and appreciate art and cocktails together

Head out to an independent bookstore to browse and have coffee

Pack a picnic and go to: National Cathedral Bishop’s Garden

Watch airplanes take off and land at Gravelly Point Park

Bike, Hike, kayak at the C & O Canal

Explore Rock Creek park

Head out to the theater together

Go to a concert

Go Caps!

Take a cooking class together

Go to the movies and toast each other at the same time.

Brought to you by Jen Kogan, LICSW—a psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples who are parents in her NW DC private practice.

The post How to Reconnect and Have Fun With Your Mate appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

The post Brené Brown: Be the Adult You Want Your Children to Be appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

The post How To Feel Closer To Your Family While Raising a Family appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman think there is. The Gottmans are psychologists who are known for more than three decades of research on marital stability and divorce prediction. Their 2007 data revealed that 67% of couples expressed marital dissatisfaction during the first three years of their baby’s life with the remaining one third of couples indicating overall marital contentment.

The Gottmans have written many books and have come up with a user-friendly method of staying connected within marriage and partnerships.  What I love about their approach is that it makes sense and it really works when you give it a try. Check out the first two principles of the Gottman’s, “Sound House” theory:

Love maps describe how well you really know and understand each other’s inner world. This means practical things like knowing whether or not your spouse takes milk in his/her coffee but also having an awareness of each other’s hopes, dreams, fears, and disappointments. Love maps also encompass knowing how your partner would feel given a certain situation based on their prior experience and the family they grew up in.

Fondness and admiration Most couples I talk with complain that they don’t feel appreciated.  Being seen and validated is a universal need that we all have dating back to when we were young children ourselves.  Finding a way to feel warmth and admiration may seem tricky if you are already getting caught in that game of “who does more” (with the kids, chores, work, etc.). However, respecting and loving each other is vital to creating an opening for change. So, if you want to feel appreciated you are going to have to try to notice and comment on what your spouse is doing right.

Love Maps and Fondness and Admiration are the first two of seven principles to help couples connect and build stronger relationships.

Reconnecting with your partner after kids takes some effort but it is really worth the investment! For more information on the Gottman Sound House approach, check out this link.

The post Staying connected as a couple once the kids arrive appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.