12/1/14

Here are Some Great ways to Bond with Your Partner by Our Friend Jen Kogan

Many of us who have kids remember the early years as a sleep-deprived time accompanied by unavoidable squabbles with our mate. This is confirmed in research which reveals that 67% of couples become unhappy with their relationship during the first three years of their child’s life. Often, it takes couples at least six years before they look for help in finding their way back to each other.

John Gottman, PhD found that couples can start to lose their bond once a baby arrives due to the amount of work which increases tremendously along with lack of sleep. Gottman offers practical solutions to help couples communicate and handle conflict more effectively. Chief among his suggestions are avoiding criticism, upping your appreciation of each other, and trying not to get caught in needing to be right.

Whether it has been weeks, months or years since you felt truly understood or connected to your mate, there is much to hope for. Once a couple names the problem and takes steps to work on their relationship they can move from primarily dissatisfied to feeling mostly content. Sometimes this takes a commitment to couples counseling but sometimes all it takes is a shift in perception.

Often men and women literally miss each other because they have such different operating systems. Generally, women feel closer in relationship through words and conversation. Men connect through the course of action or activities.

In order to set you both up for success, why not try something different from your typical date night out at a restaurant which can feel too intense or prescribed to some. Sharing special moments doing something together creates new memories to draw upon.

Because DC is such a busy town, you may need to get creative with when you go (afternoon coffee can be just as fun as drinks out on the town) and who watches the kids if sitters are hard to come by (enlist a friend, neighbor or fellow parent you can help out next week-end).

Check out Gottman’s Sound Relationship House to learn more about staying connected as you raise a family. See below for some fun, local activities you can try together to strengthen your bond:

Check out a Comedy Show

Create some art together

Tour and appreciate art and cocktails together

Head out to an independent bookstore to browse and have coffee

Pack a picnic and go to: National Cathedral Bishop’s Garden

Watch airplanes take off and land at Gravelly Point Park

Bike, Hike, kayak at the C & O Canal

Explore Rock Creek park

Head out to the theater together

Go to a concert

Go Caps!

Take a cooking class together

Go to the movies and toast each other at the same time.

Brought to you by Jen Kogan, LICSW—a psychotherapist who works with individuals and couples who are parents in her NW DC private practice.

The post How to Reconnect and Have Fun With Your Mate appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

These days as we mother, it may feel like that high energy and exuberance is on some kind of semi-permanent hiatus. You might be asking yourself, “What happened to the part of me that used to draw, paint, write, turn cartwheels, scrapbook, play in the mud, and dream?”

Just what happens to our creative bliss during the years we are immersed in child rearing?

Trying to meet everyone’s needs and tend to little bodies and souls can feel overwhelming. Sometimes, it can be hard to think beyond the next meal or play date or bedtime.

Back when my own kids were tykes, I knew I had to catch a break somewhere. I had to occasionally go to a movie, out for coffee, or on a walk with a friend. Scoring some uninterrupted time to read The New Yorker felt like heaven.  For me, having a regular connection with a friend or losing myself in a story helped me recharge so I had more energy to give.

How do we lose sight of this? I think it is because the minute our babies are born, the focus shifts away from ourselves and onto our baby. This lack of care for mothers appears to be built in to our culture but we don’t have to buy into this message.

We don’t have to wait for our kids to grow up before we pay attention to what makes us feel the most alive.

Last January, I was fortunate to meet some amazing women who took a six-month mother’s self renewal journey with me.  All of us moms have kids of different ages (ranging from babies to teens) but our common thread was we all felt ready to reconnect with ourselves.

Being a part of this mother’s circle inside the wonderful, safe space at lil omm yoga made me feel strong, united, brave, creative, and reenergized. Each month we cheered each other on as we tried introducing something new and enriching into our lives.

This September, I look forward to beginning a new Mother’s Self-Renewal Group that will meet for three months instead of six.  Time is always a consideration for mothers; I think the new format will work well. Will you join me for some self-renewal?

If your time is short, consider adding in one activity you used to enjoy or have always wanted to try. Watch your mood and energy recharge as you tune into yourself.

We don’t have to wait to reconnect with ourselves. We can do it right now.

The post Mother’s Self-Renewal: Tuning into Your Creative Bliss appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

What makes you feel alive?  What allows you to be connected to your true self? For some, it is singing or dancing when no one is watching. It could also be reading, swimming in the ocean, stargazing, running, enjoying spa time, or eating fresh strawberries.  Others may relish old traditions kept alive: Baking bread, knitting, family dinners, or making art.  All of these activities involve the action of creating directly or indirectly for ourselves.

Sometimes we, as mothers, are so busy with all of our responsibilities that we can get disconnected from our true selves.  We may begin to view life from an intellectual or pragmatic place where we over-think or rationalize the same scripts over and over in our heads.

We tend to put everyone’s needs before ours because that is what mothers, wives, single parents, or outstanding employees are supposed to do (no matter how tired or burnt out we are).

The mom wars of our time seem to reinforce this script that no matter what path of motherhood you choose, someone may find fault with you.

From internal and external pressures and criticisms, we can see our brilliant light dimming.  We don’t make time for ourselves or for the pastimes or activities that help us to feel alive.  We then experience less joy, satisfaction, contentment, and equanimity in our daily lives and relationships.

What can we do to bring our hearts and minds closer together?  The creative process supports both those who have the words and those who don’t. Art therapy provides a healing space for children, teens, and adults alike to connect with images, the creative process, and words to better understand how and why they are feeling disconnected.

Art Therapy helps people who struggle with anxiety, depression, grief & loss, trauma, chronic illness, relationship issues, major life changes, and decision-making. It is practiced in schools, hospitals, wellness centers, the military, and in mental health centers. It is important to note that you don’t need to be artistic to benefit from art therapy.

Art therapists are master’s level credentialed clinicians with training in counseling and art.  They offer various mediums (e.g., paint, digital photography, sewing, sculpture, etc.) to help their clients create solutions for the hows and whys of their lives.

Recently, I met with a mother who was feeling unfulfilled and overworked.  She began reconnecting to her hopes and wishes through talking and exploring metaphors in watercolors.  The fluidity of the watercolor medium helped this mother to make decisions for herself and family that flowed with balance and joy most of the time.

Another woman contacted me because she was feeling anxious about returning to the work force after being home with her child for some time.  She was stuck in feelings of guilt and anxiety about her home and work balance.  Through exploring a variety of art mediums, this mother used the art making process and her personal metaphors and imagery to feel more grounded and balanced in her everyday life.

Tapping into the creative process can help you reconnect with your authentic self. Try it to discover how your heart and mind can work together to live a life filled with possibilities.

Amy Tatsumi is a mother, art therapist, and licensed professional counselor.  She provides children, teens, and adults with individual counseling, groups, and supervision in her Washington, DC practice. Amy helps people create the life they want.

The post Reconnecting to YOU through the Creative process appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.