We real-life therapists get to see a different story. Sitting in my chair, I work with real people who show up (mostly) because they want to learn how to connect with their partner. They reach out because they feel worn down or scared by the force of their own reactions. They know they want things to be different. The process of couples therapy can help uncover the stories they’ve been lugging around for years.

These stories can feel weighty but they can also help forge connections. Asking a couple how they met can shed important light in an initial session.  Often, even the most disheartened pair will brighten as they tell their “love story.” The same can be true when mapping out each partner’s family tree with a genogram. For the speaker, it widens the lens to include a cast of many characters while simultaneously allowing their partner view him or her with compassion. A helpful spouse or partner can also help fill in the blanks or add perspective if conflict is not too high at the moment.

Another way stories can help us connect is with John Gottman’s concept of ‘love maps‘ Love maps help us acquire knowledge about each other’s inner world in a light-hearted way. Even if a couple has known each other since the first Bush administration, chances are there’s a lot more to discover now. Gottman suggests couples check out each other’s stories by asking open-ended questions. There is even a love map app couples can buy which offers a host of questions to ask. There is much individual work that lives inside couples therapy. Learning how to tune into your own story and develop strategies to manage and be with strong feelings is imperative. Equally important is knowing and accepting each others’ stories. Here in the real world where there is no commercial break, relationships flourish when one feels truly seen and heard by their mate.

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John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman think there is. The Gottmans are psychologists who are known for more than three decades of research on marital stability and divorce prediction. Their 2007 data revealed that 67% of couples expressed marital dissatisfaction during the first three years of their baby’s life with the remaining one third of couples indicating overall marital contentment.

The Gottmans have written many books and have come up with a user-friendly method of staying connected within marriage and partnerships.  What I love about their approach is that it makes sense and it really works when you give it a try. Check out the first two principles of the Gottman’s, “Sound House” theory:

Love maps describe how well you really know and understand each other’s inner world. This means practical things like knowing whether or not your spouse takes milk in his/her coffee but also having an awareness of each other’s hopes, dreams, fears, and disappointments. Love maps also encompass knowing how your partner would feel given a certain situation based on their prior experience and the family they grew up in.

Fondness and admiration Most couples I talk with complain that they don’t feel appreciated.  Being seen and validated is a universal need that we all have dating back to when we were young children ourselves.  Finding a way to feel warmth and admiration may seem tricky if you are already getting caught in that game of “who does more” (with the kids, chores, work, etc.). However, respecting and loving each other is vital to creating an opening for change. So, if you want to feel appreciated you are going to have to try to notice and comment on what your spouse is doing right.

Love Maps and Fondness and Admiration are the first two of seven principles to help couples connect and build stronger relationships.

Reconnecting with your partner after kids takes some effort but it is really worth the investment! For more information on the Gottman Sound House approach, check out this link.

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