Chanukah comes early this year and Christmas and Kwanzaa are not far behind. If you are one half of an interfaith couple or family, it can be helpful to check in with each other about your vision for the holidays.  This doesn’t have to be too arduous if you keep in mind one of my favorite sayings: All feelings are okay its what we do with our feelings that matters.

The more we can learn about each others’ inner worlds the more connected we will feel with each other. Psychologist John Gottman calls this knowing our partner’s inner psychological terrain: love maps.

What’s your interfaith love map?

For our purposes, an interfaith love map includes sharing the childhood memories that you cherish the most. Is it the different kinds of cookies your mom baked well in advance of Christmas? Taking turns with your siblings to light the menorah or kinara each night?

Do you have special memories about the holidays you celebrate?

Talk with your partner about these special times so they knows what is important to you.  Find a quiet time to sit together and be truly open to learning about each other. The key is to listen and with the goal of mutual understanding only. Don’t worry about reaching an ultimate solution or answer right away. Once you feel truly heard by each other then you can start problem solving. Below are a few more ideas to get you started creating your interfaith love map:

• Read or talk about the meaning and the history of your partner’s holiday along with the symbols and rituals that accompany it. If you notice you have a visceral reaction, try to examine this yourself before you talk it over with your partner. Exploring your own feelings first will make your conversation less reactive.
• Break down how you will celebrate together. For example, will you give presents each night of Chanukah? Will you have a tree, hang flags and decorate your home? Should you go to church or stay home? Are your extended family going to be included? If yes, what will that look like?
• Think about and discuss the rituals that you already share as a couple or family. Together, you can find ways to establish new traditions that encompass what means the most to each of you.
• Finally, let family members know that you have made decisions that are best for you and your family. Explain to them how and where you plan to celebrate the holidays so they are not surprised. Should they have a problem with what you have determined, stand firm and let them know that you love them but this is what is right for your family.

For more hands on help incorporating both faiths, check out The Interfaith Families Project Of Greater Washington.

The post Celebrate the holidays together with an interfaith love map appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.

Work, fun, and leisure time used to be relatively easy to balance.  But as a new mom, it can be tough adjusting to feeling a lack of control, sleep deprivation, and hardly a minute to yourself. What can you do to take care of You while taking care of your new little one? Have a look at the tips below to learn more and see that a lot depends on the messages we send ourselves:

1.  Manage your expectations. You know that saying, “Rome was not built in a day?” Well, the house does not have to be neat and tidy just because it used to be, pre-baby. Now, you are expending a lot of energy in other areas so letting go of standards about how something should look or be is a key component to new motherhood.

2. Pay attention to what you are telling yourself.  Try to notice (without judgment) what you are telling yourself. Are you saying things like, “I don’t know how to do this” or, “why is it so hard for me to get out of the house?” If yes, you need to try to create more space for self-care by replacing those thoughts with some neutral or positive ones. Try saying things like, “I am learning more about myself and my baby every day” or, “Everyone needs a break sometimes so they can relax and recharge.” If you find it hard to let go of critical self-talk, ask yourself, ‘would I talk to a friend this way?’

3. Take a deep breath into your belly, let it out slowly and note what you are feeling (anxiety, tension, anger, or sadness) and where (in my chest, my stomach, my jaw) you might be feeling it. This exercise helps to root you in the present moment and surprisingly, will make you feel more in control of things because you are developing valuable self-awareness skills.

4. Choose a phrase or mantra that has meaning to you to use during stressful times. For example, when the baby cries and is not calming right away, say to yourself, “It’s okay. This will pass.” Or, conjure up an image of a place that makes you feel peaceful inside. This could be a place you visit every summer or an imaginary island where you feel safe and secure. Use this with the deep belly breathing to connect what you are thinking to what you are feeling in your body.

5. Ask for help from your partner, friends, or family and/or hire help. This is absolutely essential. If you are home all day with your baby, make sure you have some time that is yours even if it is only a few minutes a day to walk around the block or sit on a bench and look at the clouds go by.

6. Exercise and connecting with other new moms are other great ways to take care of you. Being a mom is a whole new identity to get used to and it takes time to adjust to the change. Exploring ways to take care of yourself is the gift you can give to yourself that keeps on giving. Try it and see!

Below are some terrific resources for new moms in the DC area:

Mojo Mom – Book and website by Amy Tiemann

Mindful Motherhood – Book and website by Cassandra Vieten

Stroller Strides – A total fitness program for moms and their babies

Lil Omm Yoga – Yoga and more for the whole family

The post A Self-Care Primer For New Moms appeared first on Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW.