communication Archives - Jennifer Kogan, MSW, RSW, LICSW

10 Ways Families Can Cultivate Their Connection

Jennifer Kogan — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 15:03:30 +0000

By Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Associate Editor, PsychCentral.com

Psychotherapist Jenifer Hope, LCPC, has worked with many families whose biggest concern is detachment. They feel as though they’re forgetting who their loved ones really are. They don’t have time to get to know their children. “They feel isolated within their own family because everyone is so busy, that there is no actual family time,” she said.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., also sees a shortage of time as the biggest obstacle for families in connecting.

“It doesn’t take much for families to become detached,” Hope said. Most parents commute at least 20 minutes each day. Kids need time to do their homework and participate in extracurricular activities. Add on time for self-care, errands and responsibilities, and there isn’t much time left for family.

But there are many ways families can get closer. Below are 10 tips to try.

1. Pick two.

Hope often suggests her clients pick no more than two activities for their kids to participate in outside of school, and try to schedule one on a Saturday. “That way you are not spending every evening driving kids everywhere,” and you have a lighter load during the week, she said.

2. Hold family meetings.

Families can use these meetings to plan the upcoming week and talk about their values, Kogan said. Every family member has a voice and a say in these meetings.

For instance, families can talk about volunteering, planning upcoming holidays and even explore a problem someone is having at school, work or home, she said.

Family meetings “help families forge bonds and models teamwork at the same time.”

3. Gather around the table.

Eat together once a week and once on the weekend, said Hope, who practices at Urban Balance, which provides comprehensive counseling services in the Chicago area. This can be dinner but it doesn’t have to be. It could be a family breakfast, Kogan said.

Eating together helps parents to “interact with their children and ask them about their day,” Hope said.

4. Have one-on-one time with your kids.

If you have more than one child, Hope suggested scheduling time with each one. This could include everything from going out for breakfast to going to the library and reading books together, she said.

“By spending alone time with each child, you are creating memories and an opportunity to reconnect and bond.”

Hope and her husband have twins. Once a month one twin stays at the grandparents’ house while Hope and her husband spend the day with the other (and vice versa).

5. Practice mindfulness together.

Mindfulness simply means focusing one’s attention on the present moment in an accepting, nonjudgmental way. It’s a skill that boosts well-being and helps individuals handle stress more effectively, Kogan said.

“Practicing mindfulness as a family can help everyone share in an experience that evokes feelings of calmness, contentment and warmth with each other.”

Kogan suggested trying this exercise:

Go outside in the backyard together, sit down on the lawn and close your eyes. Depending on how old your kids are, see if you can all close your eyes for 2-5 minutes and then talk about what you noticed. Did you hear a rustling of the leaves, a bird chirp, a dog bark?

Kogan also recommended these resources: the book Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids and Their Parents by Eline Snell and the CD “Indigo Ocean Dreams” by Lori Lite.

6. Create a family crest.

Kogan suggested drawing a family crest together and discussing what your family stands for. Brainstorm what your family cares about. For instance, include “respect for others” and “listening and supporting others,” along with examples, Kogan said.

7. Carve out time as a couple.

Hope stressed the importance of couples taking time to reconnect and focus on their marriage. “If mom and dad are not connecting, the kids feel it and do the same.”

If you’re pressed for time, she suggested sneaking in lunches together or putting the kids to bed 30 minutes earlier once a week. This gives you time to watch a movie or savor a cup of tea and be quiet together.

8. Model healthy communication.

Kogan also noted that parents set the tone for their family. “If they can reconnect to each other and model how they communicate and handle conflict effectively, this sets the stage for the whole family.”

Often parents don’t want to argue in front of their kids, she said. But it helps kids to see how to resolve differences in healthy ways. For instance, you might use “I” statements, not blame each other, take turns listening and end your talk with a hug, Kogan said.

9. Consider what you can cut out for connection.

Hope was working with a family who found it helpful to cancel cable for a month. They spent that time playing board games and reading books as a family, which made them feel much closer, she said.

10. Limit screen time.

Another family limits the number of hours they spend on their computers, smartphones and iPad. They also turn off this technology at a certain time in the evenings.

“This helped them reconnect because the parents were not always on their phones doing work emails or Pinterest and the children were no longer engulfed by their iPads or playing video games,” Hope said. “They actually had to talk to each other!”

Familial connections have to be maintained. Hope likened it to a car needing a checkup or tuneup. “Families are no different. You have to put in the effort and time in order to remain connected.”

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How to Help Someone Going Through a Tough Time

Jennifer Kogan — Sun, 21 Jun 2015 12:50:02 +0000

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

When someone is struggling, we might be at a loss for how to help. We want to reach out. But we’re worried we’ll do or say the wrong thing. So we don’t do anything. Or maybe we have a track record of saying or doing the wrong things. Either way, the result is the same — we keep to ourselves.

Psychotherapist Lena Aburdene Derhally, MS, LPC, worked in oncology for years. She noted that the best way we can support someone who’s grieving is simply by being there.

The same is true for most things someone is struggling with — whether your friend is having marital problems, your cousin had a miscarriage or an acquaintance opens up about being overwhelmed.

Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C., stressed the importance of listening with empathy. Empathy is key for meaningful relationships. And it’s a skill we can learn. Kogan cited the four attributes of empathy, identified by nursing scholar Teresa Wiseman. Researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown incorporated Wiseman’s definition in her own work. Brown writes about empathy in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power.

Seeing the world as others see it. According to Brown, “we must be willing to recognize and acknowledge our own lens and attempt to see the situation that someone is experiencing through her lens.” Being non-judgmental. “Judging has become such a part of our thinking patterns that we are rarely even aware of why and how we do it,” Brown writes. However, judgment creates distance and disconnection, Kogan said. Non-judgment is a skill we can practice. It starts with ourselves. For instance, we can practice being non-judgmental by embracing ourselves when we make mistakes or don’t measure up to our expectations, Kogan said. We also can practice speaking to ourselves with compassion and realize that others are experiencing hard times like us, she said.

Understanding another’s feelings. In order to understand someone else’s feelings, we must be in touch with our own feelings, Brown writes. It’s important to have an understanding of emotions. But it’s also important to put aside our own “stuff,” or our own opinion when empathizing, Kogan said. Focus on what the person is feeling.
Communicating your understanding of their feelings. Brown shares this example in the book: Your friend tells you they feel like her marriage is falling apart. These kinds of responses don’t convey empathy: “Oh, no, you and Tim are a great couple — I’m sure everything will be fine,” or “At least you have a marriage. John and I haven’t had a real marriage for years.” This response does convey empathy: “I’m really sorry — that can be a very lonely place. Is there anything I can do?” Similarly, if your friend is going through a breakup, Derhally suggested listening and saying, “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.” According to Brown, in general, “at least” isn’t empathetic. Here’s another example: “I had a miscarriage.” “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
These are other helpful and not-so helpful strategies for support.

Be curious about the right thing.

Psychologist Dan Griffin, Ph.D, was working with a family whose father was accused of a terrible crime. During a session one of the adult kids mentioned an Irish saying that goes something like this: If the person is just interested in the story, they’re not your friend. If they’re interested in you, they are. In other words, to be truly supportive, focus on how the person is doing. Don’t ask for the dirt or sordid details.

Think of what’s helped — and not helped — you.

Griffin suggested picking three situations where you needed help and received the right kind of help. What were the common supportive factors? Maybe the person was fully present and didn’t judge you. Maybe they referred you to a helpful resource. Maybe they brought you food or flowers. Maybe they sat with you while you processed your pain.

Also, consider what wasn’t so helpful. Maybe they turned the conversation toward themselves and their issues. Maybe they focused on fiddling with their phone or watching TV.

Of course, everyone is different. But thinking about what’s helped you and what hasn’t may be a good place to start, he said.

Avoid silver linings.

“A major don’t is to try to create silver linings or attempt to fix something with words,” Derhally said. She recalled that during her time working in oncology, it was really difficult for people to hear statements like “everything happens for a reason.” It’s not necessary to come up with “words of wisdom,” she said.

Avoid giving advice.

Unless you’re asked for it, avoid giving advice, Kogan said. When you give advice, you’re communicating what the other person should do instead of giving them the space to discuss how they feel, she said. “For this reason, advice giving often shuts down the conversation because the person does not feel heard.”

Check in regularly.

Let the person know that you’re thinking about them, and you’re available if they want to talk, Derhally said.

Again, the best thing you can do for someone who’s struggling with anything is listen. Give them your full attention. Put down the gadgets. As Griffin said, leaving your phone in another room is a small gesture with a profound meaning.

It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to say the right thing, especially if you’ve messed up before. But, as Kogan said, it’s perfectly OK to say: “I just don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.”

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John Gottman Couples Therapy Interview

Jennifer Kogan — Sat, 01 Jul 2000 21:09:57 +0000

This is an older interview with John Gottman, a couples therapist and psychologist and who relays important information to help couples communicate and connect based on years of research. This is still relevant because many couples give up on each other when they could learn how to connect and communicate despite the inevitable conflict that is endemic to sustained relationships.

Read the article

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