These days as we mother, it may feel like that high energy and exuberance is on some kind of semi-permanent hiatus. You might be asking yourself, “What happened to the part of me that used to draw, paint, write, turn cartwheels, scrapbook, play in the mud, and dream?”

Just what happens to our creative bliss during the years we are immersed in child rearing?

Trying to meet everyone’s needs and tend to little bodies and souls can feel overwhelming. Sometimes, it can be hard to think beyond the next meal or play date or bedtime.

Back when my own kids were tykes, I knew I had to catch a break somewhere. I had to occasionally go to a movie, out for coffee, or on a walk with a friend. Scoring some uninterrupted time to read The New Yorker felt like heaven.  For me, having a regular connection with a friend or losing myself in a story helped me recharge so I had more energy to give.

How do we lose sight of this? I think it is because the minute our babies are born, the focus shifts away from ourselves and onto our baby. This lack of care for mothers appears to be built in to our culture but we don’t have to buy into this message.

We don’t have to wait for our kids to grow up before we pay attention to what makes us feel the most alive.

Last January, I was fortunate to meet some amazing women who took a six-month mother’s self renewal journey with me.  All of us moms have kids of different ages (ranging from babies to teens) but our common thread was we all felt ready to reconnect with ourselves.

Being a part of this mother’s circle inside the wonderful, safe space at lil omm yoga made me feel strong, united, brave, creative, and reenergized. Each month we cheered each other on as we tried introducing something new and enriching into our lives.

This September, I look forward to beginning a new Mother’s Self-Renewal Group that will meet for three months instead of six.  Time is always a consideration for mothers; I think the new format will work well. Will you join me for some self-renewal?

If your time is short, consider adding in one activity you used to enjoy or have always wanted to try. Watch your mood and energy recharge as you tune into yourself.

We don’t have to wait to reconnect with ourselves. We can do it right now.

Mindfulness can help us in any moment: even in times of transition

Transitions happen all the time. Schools out. Summer’s here. Vacations, camp, back-to-school, moving, sleep schedules, birthdays, illness. All of these shifts can throw a person off kilter. Trying to get back to center where equanimity reigns can feel like an uphill battle.

So many of us instinctively push away our strong feelings because they seem scary and uncomfortable. Tara Brach talks about meeting life where it is.  She shares that interestingly, the best way to navigate change might be to simply notice what you are feeling.

I like to think of this as becoming more awake. Some people call it mindfulness or being in the present moment. Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose in the present moment and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.

Maybe our goal doesn’t have to be to get back to where we were when things were good or easy or known. Instead, we can start to notice what we feel and where in our body we experience our strongest emotions. Knowing we don’t actually have to “do” anything, fix it, or be “better” can come as a huge relief.

Tara Brach’s book, Radical Acceptance outlines this practice beautifully.  Experimenting with connecting thoughts to sensation and feeling can help us live in this moment even if it is a moment of transition.

Despite being billed as a relaxing time, some struggles can feel more intense because of the more slower, open pace. We have more unstructured time with our kids and that doesn’t always feel so “relaxing.”

The days are longer which gives us more time to experience resistance, tantrums, and pushback with our kids.  A lot of how we experience these struggles has to do with our own expectations and what we tell ourselves.

All parents worry or get frustrated with their kids but taking a look at the messages we send ourselves first can make a big difference in the outcome. If you tell yourself, “Why can’t he just listen?” or What’s wrong with him or me?” – you are not helping you or your child.

The best way to take care of both of you (whatever the season) is to get curious and to think of yourself as an Emotional Coach. Below are some ideas to experiment with during these summer months:

1.  Develop your own awareness about how you feel and what you think when you are with your child.

2. Tap into what soothes and cares for you.

3. Consider your child’s temperament. Sometimes, “quiet” parents wind up with an exuberant child or, a gregarious parent notices her child is a bit of a loner. This is not good or bad;  just useful information to have as you think about how to address the struggle.

4. Gather information about the situation. Pretend you are a scientist and notice when I do X, my child does Y.

5. Get curious about eating and sleep schedules. Does my child need to go to bed earlier? Is he hungry?

6. Arm yourself with some tools to cut down on power struggles.

7. Above all, be kind to yourself as your engage in this process.

Happy summer!

Underneath Harper’s cool answer was a message. He knew what he felt and clearly no one was going to trip him up.

My goal for all kids is for them to know, intrinsically what they think and feel and to be able to express it clearly to others.

How do we make that happen? By being our children’s emotional coaches so they can develop their own ability to know themselves.

Below are a few ideas to get you started:

Don’t deny or ignore a child’s feelings: We’ve all done it at one time or another but saying, “You’re not sad” to a child who is crying or,”stop whining” when we don’t want to hear it makes a person feel unseen. It also does little to help a child learn to cope with their intense feelings. Instead, describe what you see.  If you say, “I see a little girl who looks sad” it won’t actually make your child feel worse. Rather, it will most certainly help her feel understood and heard. Give your child tools so she knows what to do when she is feeling upset.

Look for and comment on the emotion that is underlying the behavior:  The next time your child protests unduly about leaving the park say to him, “It can be so hard leaving when we are having so much fun.” Validating his experience can help him to get through a tough time.

Talk about the behavior, not the person and describe the problem: Children take what we say very seriously which is why when we are feeling displeased it is useful to separate out the behavior from the person. For example, saying, “I see a bedroom with clothes and toys all over the floor” expresses your displeasure and gives the child information at the same time. It is much more likely to elicit a helpful response than, “This room is a mess, you are so sloppy!”

Consider your first family:  How were feelings handled in the family you grew up in? Do certain feelings make you uncomfortable? Exploring these questions and developing your own awareness can help you as you help your child navigate his or her emotions.

All feelings are okay it’s what we do with our feelings that matters. Be your children’s emotional coach and watch them go.

It might make it easier for those of us who are bereaved to honor only our losses. When a parent or husband dies sometimes it seems the only way to cope is to ignore holidays altogether.

The idea of having a Father’s Day was proposed way back in 1910 by a woman named Sonora Smart Dodd. Her dad had raised her and her five brothers after her mother died in childbirth. Father’s Day didn’t become official until 1972 when President Richard Nixon proclaimed it a holiday.

It’s been almost five years since my own dad died too soon.  There are a lot of wonderful stories about him. He was such a positive, adventurous, and loving person. He was a great dad.

The best and most lasting message that he passed on to me was that really, anything is possible.

It was back in October 2007, and just after the funeral, when I got back to town. I thought I saw my dad everywhere.  I couldn’t believe he was really gone. His lack of existence was completely outside of my perception of reality. Not only was it hard to accept, it was also just plain unfair.

But over time, my disbelief that he wasn’t on this earth anymore did give way to something new. A new layer seemed to grow over the layer of raw pain. What I now felt was emerging into more of a wistful sadness.

What I notice as each Father’s Day passes is that I can hold two feelings at the same time. I watch and  treasure the special bond my husband and children have with each other and also remember the special times I had with my own dad.

We moms are so busy that sometimes we lose the connection to our creative selves. Read on for some thoughts/resources on how to find your “flow” and help bring your heart and mind together from Guest Blogger, Amy Tatsumi.

What makes you feel alive?  What allows you to be connected to your true self? For some, it is singing or dancing when no one is watching. It could also be reading, swimming in the ocean, stargazing, running, enjoying spa time, or eating fresh strawberries.  Others may relish old traditions kept alive: Baking bread, knitting, family dinners, or making art.  All of these activities involve the action of creating directly or indirectly for ourselves.

Sometimes we, as mothers, are so busy with all of our responsibilities that we can get disconnected from our true selves.  We may begin to view life from an intellectual or pragmatic place where we over-think or rationalize the same scripts over and over in our heads.

We tend to put everyone’s needs before ours because that is what mothers, wives, single parents, or outstanding employees are supposed to do (no matter how tired or burnt out we are).

The mom wars of our time seem to reinforce this script that no matter what path of motherhood you choose, someone may find fault with you.

From internal and external pressures and criticisms, we can see our brilliant light dimming.  We don’t make time for ourselves or for the pastimes or activities that help us to feel alive.  We then experience less joy, satisfaction, contentment, and equanimity in our daily lives and relationships.

What can we do to bring our hearts and minds closer together?  The creative process supports both those who have the words and those who don’t. Art therapy provides a healing space for children, teens, and adults alike to connect with images, the creative process, and words to better understand how and why they are feeling disconnected.

Art Therapy helps people who struggle with anxiety, depression, grief & loss, trauma, chronic illness, relationship issues, major life changes, and decision-making. It is practiced in schools, hospitals, wellness centers, the military, and in mental health centers. It is important to note that you don’t need to be artistic to benefit from art therapy.

Art therapists are master’s level credentialed clinicians with training in counseling and art.  They offer various mediums (e.g., paint, digital photography, sewing, sculpture, etc.) to help their clients create solutions for the hows and whys of their lives.

Recently, I met with a mother who was feeling unfulfilled and overworked.  She began reconnecting to her hopes and wishes through talking and exploring metaphors in watercolors.  The fluidity of the watercolor medium helped this mother to make decisions for herself and family that flowed with balance and joy most of the time.

Another woman contacted me because she was feeling anxious about returning to the work force after being home with her child for some time.  She was stuck in feelings of guilt and anxiety about her home and work balance.  Through exploring a variety of art mediums, this mother used the art making process and her personal metaphors and imagery to feel more grounded and balanced in her everyday life.

Tapping into the creative process can help you reconnect with your authentic self. Try it to discover how your heart and mind can work together to live a life filled with possibilities.

Amy Tatsumi is a mother, art therapist, and licensed professional counselor.  She provides children, teens, and adults with individual counseling, groups, and supervision in her Washington, DC practice. Amy helps people create the life they want.

There is an incredible new Scorsese documentary about George Harrison called, Living in the Material World out on DVD this month. The film itself is magical and seamless; filled with never before seen footage and interviews.

Harrison, who found his way to meditation and touched so many people’s lives with his generosity of spirit said in 1974, “Everybody’s looking for something…. We don’t have to look anywhere–it’s right there within.”

Like all of us, Harrison had many parts to him. He was a spiritual person; a seeker, a gardener, a musician, a race car enthusiast, a dark comic, a father, a husband, and a friend. He was self-contained and giving at the same time; a beautiful balancing act to behold.

But it was watching the home movie footage of Harrison with his son, Dhani (named after the sixth and seventh notes of the Indian music scale) that made me think about the process and duality of helping our children to grow and at once letting them go.

We may be gripped with loss as we set them loose to go to new schools, camps, trips, college, and the great beyond . But that is our charge and our joy to watch our kids leave us.

While it is sad to know that George Harrison died at the young age of 58. He was at peace and his legacy lives on after him. His son, Dhani says, “[My dad] was a very interesting guy. I’m still learning from him.”

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Conflict is a natural part of life and can have good or bad results depending on how it is handled. Most conflicts happen because we are trying to get the other person to do what we want them to do.

Marshall Rosenberg is the founder of a communication process called Nonviolent Communication (NVC) also known as compassionate communication.  Rosenberg says that to communicate effectively our purpose must shift. Before change can happen, we must first make sure that everyone gets what they need.

It can be tough to shift our way of communicating because most of us rely on complaining or criticizing when we want something to change. This does not usually lead to a peaceful solution or one where everyone feels heard/understood.

Looking at needs and developing a literacy of what a need actually is is key. A need is different from a strategy where we analyze and hold certain assumptions to make our point.

Let’s go back to the example of the need you have to feel less overwhelmed when trying to get the kids settled in at bedtime. Talking with your partner from a NVC perspective will require that you both to try not to fix, blame or problem-solve right away.

Set aside time (not at bedtime) to express how you feel and ask your partner to listen with 
empathy. He or she can even mirror back what you say in order to make sure they have heard you correctly. Hearing our own words mirrored back can help us feel truly understood.

Perhaps there are reasons why your mate is not available to help you with the kids at bedtime? Setting aside your own reasons for why this is and listening to your spouse’s needs sets the stage for you to both to feel heard and understood.

Practicing this new way of communicating about needs can be the beginning of a whole new way of relating with each other. Stay tuned for next steps on how to communicate with compassion.

Below are ten things you can do to begin to look at your own needs:  

As parents, it can be hard to hold these emotions because it just feels like too much sometimes. Or, it could be that our own anxiety gets activated which can make it doubly hard to contain a set of charged feelings. But there are ways to tackle this very common problem. Below is a mind – body toolkit to support kids with their intense feelings:

• Images and imagery are wonderful tools to help children calm down and relax. Ask your child to think of a picture of an animal or a place or something that helps her relax. You can remind your child to think of this image when they are feeling stressed.
• Try belly breathing together so your child can practice relaxing his or her body. Once they get the hang of it they can learn to breathe through an anxious or upset feeling.
• There are also many wonderful guided imagery CDs your child can listen to practice relaxing and feeling calm.
• Create or buy a feelings chart so you and your family can talk about all the feelings you may have had in a given day. Read stories like My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss or The Feelings Book by Todd Parr so your child can develop their feelings vocabulary.
• Ask your child to draw how he or she feels so they can get some of it out and down on paper.
• Try role playing – a great way for kids to act out their concerns. Parents and even
  siblings can act out a problem to its resolution. This is especially useful with separation issues, school issues, bullying/cliques.

Research shows that telling the story of what happened can help a child process and let go of a stressful incident.  Developing a vocabulary of feeling words and creating space to calm down the mind and body will help support you and your child. Each time your child tries out one of these tools, his or her brain will be learning new ways to cope with their intense feelings.

Recently, I interviewed Linda Ryden, who heads up the Teaching Peace program at Lafayette Elementary School in NW DC. Teaching Peace is a weekly special (like music or art) for kids in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th grades where they learn about kindness, responsibility, conflict resolution, mindfulness and appreciating our diversity.

Linda relayed some of her thoughts on Teaching Peace and bullying prevention, “My goal with the whole Peace program at Lafayette is to create a culture of kindness. The two most important factors in preventing bullying at school are changing the school climate and allotting class time to social emotional learning. Most bullying takes place during lunch or recess when children are not with their classroom teachers.  At Lafayette we have so many clubs in addition to Peace Club, there is really something for everyone.  I would also encourage parents to talk to their kids about the role of bystanders in bullying.”

Linda explains that few children will readily admit to bullying someone, but the fact is that bullying only happens because adults and children are letting it happen. Kids who feel connected at school are much less likely to bully, to be passive bystanders of bullying and to become victims of bullying.

She suggests that parents encourage their children to get involved, to find groups or clubs that interest them so they can develop a little community within the community at school.

It is also vital that parents talk with kids about how they can use their power to help others. Below are some ideas for what kids can do when they see someone being teased or picked on:

• Refuse to laugh when someone is teasing
• Stand next to someone who is being picked on or teased
• Help the victim move away from the situation
• Make sure to include someone if they notice they are usually all alone.

There is no absolute way to protect our children from every danger, but fostering a dialogue with our kids about what they see and do on the playground and at recess is an important start.  Connecting to our own feelings, memories, and experiences of growing up is another way we can help.  Sharing and listening to pertinent stories paves the way for our kids to feel more confident should an issue of bullying present itself.